Through My Eyes ♥

The London Philosophy...!

2012-02-06T13:59:00.001Z

This was written on the 30th of Jan... I just forgot to post this!!!!)

Anybody who reads this, or knows me well will very well have come to terms with the fact that I love London. It is a beautiful beautiful city; everything is buzzing, there is life and it's so fast moving… The atmosphere of London, I doubt you will find anywhere else in the world.
Is it also a little strange that I want to go to university in London? I want the proper experience out there. I mean, studying Chemistry; anywhere will do… but the London life will be a whole new level..
My mother this morning..
Me: I know that if I go to London on an open day, I will fall in love with the place and never want to come back.
Mother: I pray to God you find a guy and get married in London.
Me: 20 mother! 20!

Yes, you see me and my mother made a deal that she is not going to talk to me about getting married or finding a guy until I turn 20. This is actually extremely unrealistic because I bet she's been saving up for my wedding since the day I was born…. However, I don't want to talk about it.
I want to meet a guy who loves me for me; I want to fall in love and be single and independent before anything serious happens in the commitment department. I want a "ying to my yang"... I just want that perfect fairytale romance (yet we all know from watching Gossip Girl just how unrealistic that is!)
Just want to live my life and find happiness along the way…
And I really think that I'll find that in London!
Wouldn't it be the funniest thing ever if this time next year I'd be writing a post and be like; "Mehh… London uni's all rejected me…" :'''(
Oh well. Fate is fate.
Spend a whole hour this morning in a cancelled lesson debating about reincarnation, the purpose of life and fate. Boom. Philosophy- I am going to miss you sorely. It's completely pointless though. There is no point at all in thinking about whether God exists or not because it's personal opinion. All of these philosophers etc just debate for no reason at all. It's all in their frickin' thick heads and frankly that will never be enough for the world....
Also philosophers – you are so convinced that God doesn't exist, you spend your whole entire life dedicated trying to prove that he doesn't. It's your own opinion!!!! Get with it and move on in life! :P
I suppose it annoys me when people are completely hypocritical. It's one of the reasons why I don't want to become a doctor... Imagine telling people to have breakfast, exercise, take in some sunshine more... when your own doctor needs to do the exact same thing. Plus it's just the fact that doctors do not care. (well, mine doesn't) so if I maybe, one day, hypothetically, decide that I want to tell people how to get better (i.e. spend a million years at uni to get two letters infront of my name.. Dr), I really want to be one of those that genuinely cares.
Which is one of the reasons why Chemistry (at London) is going to be good! I can work at a make-up company, who genuinely cares about people and just invent new 'stuff...' !!!!! Obviously, it won't be as 'satisfying' as saving a life... But c'est la vie.
AND IN ANY CASE, If we're speaking philosophically; it's all written out in destiny..
Hahaha. This post is going to be hilarious to look back on in five years...
So just to recap:
·         No worrying about the future; just have faith in destiny.
·         Go to London. The future is there waiting for you.
·         Scour the entire city of London to find a guy to fall madly in love with...
·         Alternatively, fall in love with a guy who is willing to move to London (Or New York!!!!).
·         "Don't worry, about a 'ting, because every little 'ting is gonna be alright.." The wise words of Bob Marley :3
Got it? Good :)
Take care my lovelies, xo

Quirky fact...

2012-02-01T16:47:00.001Z

When I'm in super bitch mode (I.e ATM!) I like to rant and rant and then go to the kitchen and do a spot if baking.

Calms my nerves so much.

"YOU'RE JUST A PATHETIC IDIOT, NO WONDER YOU'RE LIKE THIS.."

Two minutes later:

Mess everywhere in the kitchen, beating away egg whites like there is no tomorrow. Macaroons and banana bread in the oven! Tehe.

The smell of freshly baked anything just uplifts spirits and makes your day that teeny bit better.

Turns that frown upside down haha!

:( = :)

I'd like to make myself believe..

2012-01-30T19:15:00.000Z

"It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep" Fireflies, Owl City.

Crazy crazy life we all lead. As if I have not blogged since 22/01! Crazy crazy.
Not very much has happened tbh. Just a bundle of fun (!)

Today we all sat in the dining hall and pretended to be tribal Indians... It's pretty safe to say that most people were giving us pointed looks! But A banging away on the table, S +S + S lalalalala ing with the hand and mouth teheh.
Just makes school that little bit more interesting Hahah!!!

So tired D:. Aside from the fact it's work war three over here avec ma famille, c'est la vie. And that's the extent of my French.

So I showed my friend ST my blog. Not my actual blog, and I didn't really let her read it since the anonymity aspect of it would totally just be ruined.. And she was all "Omg, that is soo cute!" and I guess it is in a way. I mean I started this thing in 2009 and I have no intention of giving it up! (maybe refine the devious posts a little but what the actual hell!). And also "no wonder you're so good at English! Min, please do English at uni!"

That's the next chapter of my life.. Uni.. And what an exciting one that promises to be too...!

Hope everything is going okay for y'all.. And I really need to sort
My life out. Its cool though, 3 hour free tomorrow.. And I promise not to watch Gossip girl like last time!!! Although it's the 100th episode! Omg.. I can't believe I've been watching the show for that long :')

CHUCK BASS- MARRY ME! <3

Take care my lovelies, xx

..

2012-01-22T13:54:00.001Z

"I'm falling to pieces..". Breakeven, The Script.

It's funny how lines in songs can sum up your life in that moment so well. It gives you hope, because maybe other people are feeling this way. And it gives you a chance to look forward to the future, because most songs end happy.

Life is not about watching the storm pass; it's about having the courage to go dancing in the rain

Xx

Awol

2012-01-20T00:45:00.001Z

Hey,
If you are the awesome New York person:

I'm sorry :( I warned you this might happen...
In any case, please be reading this... You owe my a poem/ assignment.

Thanks!
Ps does my blog sound prude-ish?

Liberation after exams...

2012-01-16T17:18:00.001Z

Oh wow!! This feeling of freedom really is something to bask in. I love it...

Okay so the weekend was such a lazy weekend! Went out to eat on Saturday and went to a family friends house on Sunday.. It was nice to have nothing to do...

English today:
If I were a veg..
And yeah we got the veggies boiling away...

Feeling much much better about everything

:D

Exam Stress

2012-01-13T09:22:00.001Z

Scared for this final exam.

Really thinking about doing Chemistry at Uni atm, so really really don't want to fail this one :/

No blogging for the past couple of days because of the exams!

Recap:
General Studies- What on earth.... Who calls this an exam?

Bio- Hmmm... I found it okay... But everyone else found it extremely hard. Fingers crossed.

And now sitting in the library hoping for the best in Chem. Mass spectrometry yay!

(that wasn't actualy sarcasm. I enjoy Chemistry like any other science geek!) haha.

Hope to be making macaroons today!!!! Ahhhh cannot wait for the baking to begin ;)

:')

2012-01-07T17:05:00.001Z

6 more days till exams are over and there I am watching Emma, Jane Austen film adaption 1996, Gwenyth Paltrow version. The classic-ness of those days seems so wonderful :)! Knightley ftw... Love the whole friends thing. But nothing can top the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. That one is one to remember!

Plus I'm in love with the costumes and the hair! Aaaahhh!!! Would love to work on a set with that stuff going on!

And the whole thing is so romantic, It just makes you go aww!

The proposals are too too simple though. But that is another post for another day... But a couple of words for you, Paris, Eiffel tower, flashmob, movie, song, photographs... Love it!!

It's all so cheesy it's excellent. Love it love it love it!!!!

Gonna go and chug down some red bull like there's no tomorrow.

Xxxx

The conversations we have...

2012-01-04T17:03:00.000Z

The following took place in the car...

Me: Omg mum, my exams are in a week. I don't know anything...

Mother: honey, you'll be fine! Just remember to eat healthy and get enough sleep.

Me: I want to sleep now. I'm so tired.

Mother: that's because your food intake is terrible. You need energy to live darling.

Me: thanks for the biology revision mother.

Mother: no, I'm serious honey. You need to eat more.

Me: I do! It's just lately I don't feel hungry at all. Like, I used to, but now I don't. I sort of forget to eat.

Mother: oh that reminds me, your blood tests showed a deficiency in vitamin D and calcium. A normal persons is around 50, guess what yours is?

Me: 35?

Mother: 14.

Me: so?

Mother: so? Min, this is not good for you! I'm really worried about you darling. Judging by the downfall of your health, i think you have anorexia or depression.

Me: what the hell mum!

Mother: and I don't want to tell the doctor because they're only going to give you tablets for life and then you won't be able to get a job.

Me: mum. Mother. What the hell. I'm not depressed. Oh tesco... Can you grab me a red bull?

Which is how I came to be studying with a can of red bull on my desk. Need. To. Stay. Awake. And. Revise!!!!

:/

2012-01-04T16:28:00.001Z

It's happening again. All over again.

Magic me away to Alice and Wonderland so all of this doesn't have to happen...

Inspiration & Incentives...

2012-01-03T18:46:00.000Z

I was watching One Tree Hill reruns during brunch fyi. It was an old old old episode with the one and only Lucas Scott (love) and some voice over said:

Every song has an end but that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the music.

This sums up everything so well. Every moment and phrase and events in our life must end, and we need to enjoy them while they last. Similarly, if a song is bad, you have to remember that it too will have an ending and you'll soon be listening to your favourite song in no time at all.

Soundtrack of my life as the moment (purely fictional titles I made up to reflect everything that's happening haha):
1. Help me out of this crowd
2. Afternoon slumber
3. Textbook boredom
4. Bags forming
5. Fickle form (sixth)
6. I wish I could scream in an exam hall
7. Looking forward to the days of non-studying...

That sure was fun. And that's only a summary of the next two weeks.

My incentive to get me through exams:

•Macaroon recipe awaits!!!
•Only two more months until normal-ness returns...
•SHOPPING <3
•Driving lessons (March)
•promised the Sis that for her thirteenth (Aw) we'd go to have ice cream for lunch and have five scoops each! Tehe!
• and watch a film... A good one mind.

Now that's off of my mind and permanently typed up in the blogosphere, I can finally revise (xerophytes and transpiration! Joy! Yay! Please note the sarcasm...).

Take care my lovelies

Ps have managed to blog everyday of 2012 so far! Boom!

Because maybe sometimes....

2012-01-02T15:53:00.001Z

Sometimes, life should be in fast-forward and not stuck on play at half speed.
However, sometimes memories should be should be recorded so they can be played back and back:

"Min darling. Min my gorgeous! They're coming the three hours! Put some lovely clothes on."
"Let me do them all! I can do it better than the kids!"
"If we have a girl by then.."
:')

Sometimes, you just want to hit pause so you can take in the true depth and happiness of a situation. And because you don't want to see what lurks next.

Sometimes characters who are initially bad, turn out to be good after all.

Sometimes shocking things happen to the them, in the midst of their daily life.

Sometimes the protagonist just needs to break free.

Sometimes, it's not just acting at all. It's a sense of belonging.

Sometimes, if your pursue your dreams, they will come true and the future will be dazzling.

Sometimes, a wish upon a star can come true.

Sometimes, you never know who you will fall in love with.

Sometimes, true love exists.

Sometimes, you never imagined you could be this happy. Especially because of the darkness that surrounded you.

Sometimes, what you think is normal, is actually the wrong way round.

Sometimes it's not the darkness which is the permanent thing, it's the light.

Sometimes, when the sun goes down, you light candles or have a lamp or a fire.

Sometimes there is always light.

Sometimes people blow the light out. But it can always be ignited again.

Sometimes you laugh until you cry.

Sometimes when they yell CUT and the cameras stop rolling, sometimes you wish you could be that character instead of yourself.

Sometimes, you do believe in happily ever afters...

Happy New Year!!!

2012-01-01T15:13:00.000Z

Here's to 2012. Hope/ pray/ wishing that the future is bright and better than last year B-)

The Year Gone, The Year to Come and Lists to Sum It All...

2011-12-31T01:21:00.002Z

I may as well live in New York. I practically follow the time zone. So tonight, I am alone with my thoughts (doing chemistry revision FYI!) and looked at the date on my phone was was shocked.

Yes I knew it was December and that Christmas has whizzed past us without barely registering in our ones and life is speeding by at an alarming rate... But it's December 31st already! Omg... Where does the time go.

Just to clarify:
• I have exams in less than three weeks
• I am SO SCARED for them.
• Less than five months until my other exams
• About ten months before I apply for Uni!!!!

Wow. growing up never seemed so... Fast. I mean, I just need to be a bit more... Mature about things...

So, let the lists begin!

List #1: things that I have accomplished this year:

• GCSE's / high school (at bitchville!!!)
• move things around in the room
• FINALLY START WORKING AT MY DESK!
• regular blogging to keep sanity intact
• creative writing to keep sanity intact
• lose weight (!)... nah not really. Tbh, just gained it and then lost what I gained... Urgh long story for a long rainy day..
• went abroad! (for ten days... Still counts?)
• bought lipstick and now I'm a lipstick collector :)
• went to Central London X2 -> London Eye + Thames!
• matured a bit in film taste. Haven't watched a single Disney film this year! Oh wait... tangled.
• I LEFT BEHIND PEOPLE WHO DESERVED TO BE LEFT BEHIND/ DIDINT TALK TO THEM AT ALL THIS YEAR.
• bought a foundation that matches my skin tone... Kinda.
• MASTERED THE YELLOW CAKE!
• Can now make the best tea in the world... Making tea is my purpose in life... Except I still don't drink it.

That's about it not many achievements, but this year flew by...

List #2 : things that I need to do this year
• PASS MY A LEVELS WITH AT LEAST A/A* (maybe the odd B... But hey, gotta aim high!!!)
•Learn how to drive/ take lessons.
• Appreciate things/ people.
• don't get behind on my studies
•KEEP MY ROOM TIDY! OCD habits tend to kick in just when exams are around the corner... Not good..
•Keep blogging - keeps me sane.
• smile :/
• try to wake up before 12pm (I.e sleep before 2am)
• eat more than one meal a day
• admit to myself that my hair is falling out at a horrendous rate/ skin is as dry as sand and it's yellow like a Simpson/ and I'm TIREDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD AS HELL.
•Find out what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life. I.e. Uni courses/ what uni/ what job... Urgh. Getting older is so hard sometimes.
•Laugh as much as possible.
•Live for the moment.
•Take ANY opportunities that come my way...

List #3 : Resolutions 2012
• Ha.

#And just as a side note:
• if the world ends in 2012 I will be well and truly ****** (CHEESED) OFF! because I would have slaved away my whole life on futile education...
• if the world doesn't end in 2012, I will be one happy bunny :).

Happy last day of 2011 my lovelies. Xo

Late Night Convesations and Reflections (introspective)...

2011-12-30T03:11:00.002Z

It's at least 3am. And I just feel like I'm wasting my time to say the least. I have some stupid exams in a couple of weeks/days and I'm so freaked that I'm going to fail, I'm at that point where I'm worried so much it appears as though I'm past caring..

Just spent about four hours chatting to my sister and cousin who is here for a sleepover. They're both at the age when I can finally talk to them about proper sleepovery stuff i.e. Embarrassing moments, funny times, trying accents, ghost stories, charades, impersonations, nail polish, 'spa' haha. And we were having the most amazing 'remember when...' conversation when I shocked myself with how good my memory is! I remember things really really vividly from when I was around two, and some hazy memories from before. But it's pretty powerful. Maybe my brain is super programmed for recollecting past events. Unfortunate that it doesn't work when I need it the most- during exams. Although I will admit that I get flashbacks of lessons and photos of the textbook in my head during the exams... Yes, I am a weird child as I've been told countless times.

I just need something to get me through, not just between now and when my exams end in Jan, but for when as levels finish in July! Need to get my dad to let me and Mar (the sister) to Holland in the summer... It's cool, we have family there, so it's just a matter of hopping on and off of a plane!

Because that's what it is all about for me at the end of the day. Because all I ever want is to see the world. Experience the world. Just LIVE.
It's quite ironic that Mar wants the complete opposite...

Me: I don't want to settle in this country. I really really want to live in New York. Really want to live in New York. Maybe Paris for a while. I think I'm gonna settle down in Canada though.
Mar: Really? I'm gonna have this house.
Me: THIS HOUSE? Omg! Are your serious?
Mar: Yes! It's like my childhood home. I love it!
Me: Mar, that is my worst nightmare...
Mar: *to H (cousin)* see, we're like complete opposites. Hard to see that we are related sometimes!!

Honestly, I have noooo idea how anyone can live in the same place for God knows how long... Change is refreshing.

It's a reason why I hate school. Cooped up in the same place for so many years. So many things piling up inside. Need to let it out.
Ultimately frustrating because there is so much to see and do, but you're bound to the four walls of a classroom.

In a utopian future, I see myself writing. Writing as a living, a book perhaps? Ideally for a magazine or newspaper though. I love the idea of being a journalist or having a column (satire column!!!) and people reading my stuff. It's a reason why I love blogging so much as opposed to diaries (urgh).

Writers have this awesome personality- we are each so different. We each have a story to tell. And we can weave pictures with words. It's beautiful and I wish I could do it for the rest of my life...

(This makes sense in my head. But if not, then please forgive me. It's so late, it's early!!! Sweet dreams... If not then good morning my lovelies...) xo

Wishing for normality..

2011-12-28T17:20:00.000Z

Hate this so much. Waking up seems too much to bear. Everything is lighter, better, 'happier' in dreams. I wish I could replace dreams with reality... But I can't. Now I know why that expression 'dreams coming true' is worth something.

Who knew that anyone could hate living with such contempt. It's the most irritating thing to ever happen.

Yes, living with a lot of people in your house is fun at first. For a holiday. But then when the work starts, and you have exams, and you get lectured for every possible thing that you do, and when there are people walking in and out of every door like there is no tomorrow, and when trying to get a moments peace is like trying to imagine winter on a sweltering, sticky summers day. You can't. It's near impossible. But in that moment, you would do anything to have it.

I hate this thing called life. It never goes according to plan. Things never happen the way you want them to. People don't magically appear and change your life. Wishes don't come true.

My wish is that I could see the brighter things in life. I wish to always look at the glass as half full.

Because at the moment it's more than half empty.

Sometimes I wonder if things were different, would I have turned out like this; bitter, regretful, full of contempt.... I know that I need to change into a 'better' person, but how much of the truth can change mask.

My eyes they sting. As if I have gotten shampoo in them and there isn't enough water to rinse it out. It scalds. It burns.

When I was thinking about what this year would be like, academically, I didn't anticipate this many obstacles in the way. Which is why I'm more confident now than ever before that I need to move/getout/getaway/ESCAPETHISPLACE. Because it's too much. Overwhelming and destructive.

Curled up in bed, with a thick duvet, the lights off, a dim lamp on; I can almost convince myself that nothing exists... That I can close my eyes and wake up in a better place...

It's irony...

2011-12-27T20:35:00.001Z

Never thought that we would become as far apart as the poles on earth, so beautifully magical and yet hauntingly desolate.

My butterfly...

2011-12-21T15:24:00.001Z

Dedicated to 8thdwarf ... Hope you someday find the courage to fly to freedom. Xxx

In real life...

2011-12-20T18:26:00.001Z

In real life, you wake up alone. Cold. Helpless.
In real life, flowers die, petals fall off and wither away.
In real life, sunsets end, and the darkness takes over.
In real life, kisses in the rain is awkward. Ruins your make up.
In real life, you wake up looking like crap.
In real life, hair falls out.
In real life, skin isn't prefect.
In real life, clothes can rip.
In real life, numbers are important.
In real life, time drags.
In real life, relationship suck.
In real life, romance is tacky.
In real life, nothing goes to plan.
In real life, nobody is there.
In real life, the future seems intangible.
In real life, tears don't come.
In real life... it hurts.

All I want...

2011-12-20T15:36:00.001Z

Is peace, quiet and a chance to indulge.

Everything is crazy. Nothing makes sense. And I'm caught up on the middle of things.

Just need to let it all out. It's stayed in for too long. Too too long. It's plain stupid the way things have turn out.

Imperfect.

Because that's all I'll ever be. Not enough. And never complete.

Xx

#acinderellastory

2011-12-19T15:36:00.001Z

We watch films and read book to escape to an alternate universe. To a place where happy ever afters are tangible. To a place where everything will be okay. We convince ourselves that our life will somehow become like that, clear, full of love, happy. When what we really are doing is procrastinating facing the future and changing what we're not happy with. Because most of the time we're afraid. Of change. Of the future. Of life.
Fiction gives us a semblance of hope that maybe one day it really will be okay... X

Buenas noches

2011-12-19T01:16:00.001Z

Yes, it is 1.06 in the morning... partially because I can't sleep, partially because god knows what is happening inside my stomach keeping me awake. I think this is some new version of food poisoning... Never seen before. It's like fire. It scalds D:

So... The weekend has not been as productive as it could have. Due to the fact there are now 13 people living in my house... Yeah, because I'm really going to get some studying done.

Now I'm awake at some crazy time, again, with problems and pages to learn. It's great. Just need some anti food poisoning tablets first!!!!

Working on a story. I have a creative mind. I need to write things down almost all the time. Even if it isn't about phospholipid bilayers and xerophytes (yes f211 revision hurts).

Life tbh is just speeding by. One second it was august, now it's turning 2012.

You close your eyes for a second and think it's a horrific nightmare,
But then you open your eyes and it's over and the world seems like a mch better place to be in.

I hope.

Dont feel like facing reality. It slices you open and leaves you to bleed...

Planning on locking myself up for the next five days... Tehe. Revision is best done to extreme measures...mwaha ;)

Okay... Starting to sound like the cookie monster or somebody equally horrific. Need to get my 'beauty' sleep. Gosh it's been days since I exfoliated my face... Need to be done soon I always feel reborn after I've scrubbed my face raw :D.

Sleep tight my lovelies,

Xoxo

Shopping in the modern era

2011-12-17T23:56:00.001Z

Because I have exams that I need to revise my ass off for (don't wear socks, so that analogy totally fails!), I decided that I would abandon my lifelong tradition of going to the Boxing Day sales. However, whilst browsing for Versace at H&M bags (sold out FYI, and I totally cries my eyes out), there's nothing really stopping me from online shopping!!! What can I say, just gotta make sure that I have an internet connection on midnight of the 25th. Not asking for any presents, gonna buy them all online! Got my eyes on YSL Cinema... Mm, yes I just mm-ed at a perfume ;).

So I have downloaded all the necessary apps, just gotta get browsing and revising.. Mehh.

Anyhow, gotta sleep. Just played soduko for an hour straight. It better have made my brain work more efficiently! I can now say that I can count from 1 to 9 with no ease ;)! (spare me the sarcasm, I actually used to miss 3. How I got an A in math gcse I have no idea...).

Take care my lovelies,
Tomorrow is a new day (what a lovely and terrifying thought).

Xxxo

Ps, anyone catch the Steve Jobs programma on BBC? It was so touching <3...

Tehe

2011-12-17T11:41:00.001Z

Done on my iPod btw... Not as much as a work of art as I wanted it to be... Xx

Welcome to the holidays... Day #1

2011-12-17T11:38:00.001Z

Just trying to prepare for the worst holiday ever:/. Too much revision to do. It's ridiculous. You should see my desk, there is too much paper on there to even see the colour of it (red FYI!).

Got family over from abroad (again) so it's kinda sad I can't play with the kids as much as I could. Not to mention that they are really cute, and one of them has already stolen my heart!!! <3

So I'm actually blogging from bed. At 11.36AM, I know. But where else would I rather be right now.. just wanna sleep but can't... Anyways. I'm gonna go and raid some sort of dessert thing for break/brunchfast...

Hope you're enjoying your holidays xo

Ps my neightbours are so loud, or rather their radio is. I woke up to beyoncé and then god know what other Christmas songs!!! Atm, Mariah Carey is on... URGGGHHH.

Looking through drafts.. This is from December 2009

2011-12-15T18:01:00.001Z

It's harder to stay strong than it is to give up. Giving up doesn't get you anywhere.. Only makes you weak But it's strength that fights negativity for you and shows you that light that was once at the end of the tunnel.

:')... Reminiscence...

2011-12-15T17:54:00.001Z

You ever look a picture of yourself, and see a stranger in the background?. It makes you wonder how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other peoples life have we been in. Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true or were we there when their dream died. Did we keep trying to get in? As if we were somehow destined to be there or did the shot take us by surprise. Just think, you could be a big part of someone elses life, and not even know it. - Lucas Scott

I cleared out 204 drafts dating from 2007 to 2011... Yess... I may have an OCD, but apparently my Gmail drafts do not count... All the unsaid words. All the meaningful/less quotes... All the websites that I thought were important.. Gosh, this is like a whole new 'growing up'

x

No... I just need to speak the truth for once...

2011-12-15T17:21:00.001Z

I don't have an eating disorder. I don't.

It's just what everyone thinks. Irony isn't it.

That they think I have one when I don't and that I don't have one when I do.

It's also ironic the way that they tell me that I'm fine the way I am, yet they think I want to be thin.

Well, obviously, if they think that I want to be thin, then that really implies that I'm fat.

Because I've been called fat too many times.

I've been called stupid and idiotic far too many times.

I've been in this stupid yo-yo of a diet far too many times.

I've self-destructed far too many times.

I've skipped meals far too many times.

I've over eaten far too many times.

I've looked in the mirror and hated far too many times.

I've tried to act happy far too many times.

I've been sad far too many times.

Most of all, I've lied far too many times.

This thing called existence isn't easy.

In fact. It's more difficult to bear at the moment. Who would have ever thought that the thing that we take for granted would be the most difficult one to uphold.

Being alive.

I know I should be grateful because I have health, wealth (!), a house, education and a 'future'... But why can I not stop this great big hole of despair eating me up like a black hole.

No matter what I do, I can't help but give in.

I wear dark nail polish to make my hands look slimmer.

I put on a tonne of make-up every time I leave my bedroom so I won't get critiqued in the slightest.

I wear clothes that are one size big, so they don't highlight a figure I don't have.

I wear glasses, not contacts, so my eyes don't look out of proportion (- so what if Ugly Betty is related to me...)

I put every charm on my bracelet, because hell knows I need happiness in my life.

I go on every diet known to man. None works.

Nothing works...

Don't know what to do anymore. Please buy me a time machine :)

This Girl Got the Blues..

2011-12-15T17:20:00.001Z

So I've been in a really depressed mood. Increasingly so over the past few days... So much so that I've actually taken time off of school because I haven't felt like facing the world.

And I haven't even been using my time productively.

I've just been writing and venting and listening to somewhat sad music. Here are some

"And I've always lived like this keeping a comfortable distance and up until now I have sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness because none of it was really worth the risk...."

"I've got a tight grip on reality. But I can't let go in front of me here i know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.

"And I'm on my way to be leaving..."

"I let it fall... my heart... and as it fell you rose to claim it."

"Every time I watch the stars I wonder where you are..."

Ha. They literally all are to do with heartbreak. But I'm not heartbroken. Or anything in fact. I can't feel...

But there was this one line, or rather the ending of a song which infuriated me for some reason.

"You're beautiful. You're absolutely beautiful. So long.." – Why Rascal Flatts (Drew Dawson Davis cover).

Basically, the song is a tribute to a friend who took his own life. I just don't understand why they would say the whole "beautiful" thing at the end.

Is it beautiful in a tragic way because he took his own life, and now the thought about him has a terrible beauty to it?

Was he a physically beautiful person?

Did he have a beautiful personality?

Urrrgh.

Because really, they're just empty words. Words have to have meaning in order to be something.

....

I feel broken. And yet fixed.

I feel sad. And yet happy.

Most of all, I'm just confused.

And overwhelmed with everything.

I've just spend 102 hours locked up at home...And all I really need is some time to be by myself (as in, in a place with no people) and just let it all out.

Vent. Write. Angst. Scream. Sing. Draw.

I don't even know. I just need to let it out.

I feel horrible and even worse than before. And this isn't winter blues... this is just something I've never experience before. I want to be shut away from everyone. I want to be forgotten by everyone and start again.

Really.

I just want to start all over.

Because the mess that I'm in at the moment isn't worth another second.

Just thank God for a canvas to paint. A blog to write. And a bed to sleep in. x

The thing is...

2011-12-15T17:19:00.002Z

The thing is I didn't go to school today.

This means that I've technically been at home since 4:00 Friday… Which technically makes it about 72 hours straight…

The thing is I feel like a bit of prisoner.

The thing is, I don't quite know how to feel.

The thing is, I don't think anybody cares.

I wasn't even offered paracetamol – the cure to everything…

No, I was just told off…

They said that I'm making myself ill by not eating.

The thing is, I'm fat.

The thing is, I just don't want to eat.

The thing is, I'm already ill... sort of...

The thing is, I don't need people telling me the obvious.

Yes, I'm huge. Yes, I have flab rolling off of me in every direction. Yes, I feel disgusting comparing myself to every single twig I talk to…

But I just can't take it anymore.

I have this lump thing in my stomach which just makes me want puke all the time. Only, I hate puking…

I feel as though I have to pretend every time I walk out of my bedroom door.

My room is my little prison where I can be myself, but also captivated in spite of who I am.

What. Is. The. Point.

2011-12-06T13:58:00.001Z

I don't get the point. Like seriously, what is the point. We're here and we are wasting away our seemingly plentiful time laving away at school, doing work that we won't ever need to learn about for the rest of our life and just about living with a minimal social life.

What is the point.

Okay, I know that education is meaningful and will get you places in life but… Do we really need to dedicate our whole lives to sitting in and doing organic chemistry problems, working out molar masses, whether water moves up or down the water potential gradient and figuring out whether the Big Man is really God or is it all just an illusion and our existence is meaningless?

Yes, I'm in a cynical mood if you haven't noted already.

I'm just uber stressed to be completely honest with you. And how have I come from mellowness and hypertension?

I have a letter and a word as an answer.

A Levels.

They are ridiculous.

Chemistry is my favourite, it makes sense and is logical and you can apply it to everyday situations… but unless you want to do something chem related, why would you voluntarily want to work out molar masses, concentrations, electronegativity and induced dipoles. (I'm a chemistry geek so I love these, but imagine if you weren't!).

Oh and do not even get me started on Biology. So I took it, thinking that I want to learn how the human body functions because it's interesting. IT'S SO BLOODY COMPLICATED! Who knew that there were lysosomes, golgi bodies, endoplasmic reticulums within cells… urgggh! But nevertheless, that is interesting. It's PLANT. FREAKING PLANTS. What the actual hell. Why would I want to know how a tree takes up water? Yes, because in a couple of years from now I'm going to be walking down the street and be like 'Oh, I wonder how the tree takes up minerals… maybe it's because of the xylem vessels…' Urgh. Urgh. Urgh.

Philosophy and Ethics. Haha.The world exists. Why? Because it does. Why? Because we have evidence of design in plants and animals and everything is so intricate and the must be an intelligent designers. Why? Because of the reasons I just told you. Why? Because everything is also beautiful. If evolution were true then everything would be ugly. Why? BECAUSE IT IS. FOR GOD'S SAKE. (Ironic).

English language is amazing. End of.

Plus with January modules looming…. I'm a little afraid how I'm going to pass everything.

Thinking of having a second blog. A satire blog! What do you think?

Gossip girl mid-season finale XOXO

December Blues

2011-12-03T15:41:00.001Z

I didn’t think that it would ever be easy. In fact, I thought the complete opposite. But what I didn’t anticipate is how draining it would be.

Too much to bear.Too much to plan.Too much to cope with.Nothing to be spontaneous about.

I need to purge to let it all out. But I am weak. It won’t happen.

Something wet on my face as I try again. This time to relieve everything.

Because that’s all I want to feel:

The relief.

After everything and all this time. I don’t want scars this time. It needs to be an internal battle. And one that hopefully I can figure out in time.

The smiles go when you’re left alone.

The crinkling of your eyes smooth out. Your mouth follows gravity. And the spark in your eyes… Well, it was never there to begin with.

I/ can’t/ take/ it/ anymore.

Why. That’s all I need to ask really. Why.

Why her. Why us. Why me.

Answer.

I’m not sure you can.

Unfortunate in the times when I need you the most that everything goes down. Like the WPotGrad (ha).

Gravity.

It’s gravity.

Pulling everything down… and me along with it.

I don’t know what I feel.

Emptiness?

Hallow?

There’s an ache every morning… that I don’t want to get up.

Because there’s not point (?).

Just want to let it all out without resorting to blood. Type O/A/B. (not sure yet.)

Tell me what the future is like. Because right now. There is no hope.

Ripping love to pieces...

2011-11-25T11:31:00.002Z

For many years now, I cannot fathom the concept of love. It seems ridiculous to me that love can happen. Purely for the reason that every 'love' I have seen in has been broken down and divorced in a matter of months.

When I started hypothesising about this, love is a philosophically accurate concept. Only love and fear are the raw emotions that exist in this world. The rest come under the umbrella of both. Yet, what is love?

Love is such a subjective idea. It does not necessarily have to be the romantic love. It could be agape love (upon which Bentham based situation ethics on FYI). It could be unconditional love. It could just be an emotion to which a name is given. Nevertheless, to me it just does not make sense.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am a complete sucker for romance. Anything remotely quixotic and I am a goner. Titanic has me in buckets of tears every time (Damn you Rose, there was plenty on room on that raft! And Jack, you had to be a selfish little BOY… You really think that revolutionary road was your second life… Oh please!). Chuck and Blair from Gossip Girl (LOVE!) are the epitome of relationships. Mr Darcy and Elizabeth, match made in heaven. Romeo and Juliet. Beatrice and Benedick… I could literally spew couples' names for lines and lines and we would not get anywhere.

The problems with the above couples are that they are purely fiction. Which is the reason why so many people are head over heels (!) with romance. It is nothing to do with real life. We go to the cinemas and read book about beautiful people who do not really exist in real life. We watch and read 'happy endings' all of the time in a desperate attempt to convince ourselves that maybe our lives will also turn out the same way. That maybe we too will kiss in the rain and drive off into the sunset.

But what happens when the rain clears and the sunset ends? Everything must come to an end. Even love. Similar to love, I also do not understand the concept of infinity. It is just not a humanely sane concept. How can something go on forever, for infinity? What is wrong with your senses people?

We are human. We have a heart, lungs, kidneys, liver – the works. It is mildly argumentative to say that we have a soul. So if one accepts the fact that we have a soul, it is logical to go on and say that we have a soul mate.

Yes, the talk about being 'half of one whole' makes me swoon. On the inside. But realistically, it is not possible. Becuase love is just an illusion.

Not possible.

Haha. Compliment Day ;)

2011-11-23T23:15:00.001Z

Best day for compliments...

Biology *whilst trying on ST's glasses:
A: Omg Min, you look so different without your glasses.
ST: let's have a look! Yeah!!! Omg!!!
H: Min, you're actually really pretty.

*on the way home from library.
Dude in red shirt: HEY! You look cool!
Me: *turning around to see who he's talking to. Turns out to be me* sorry?
(because I misheard him. I was in my formal attire for school /sform)
Dude in red shirt: *pointing at me* you look cool.
Me: Urm.. Thanks.
Dude in red shirt: just stating the truth here.
Me: *walking away* ... Weirdo.

Oh my days. What is the world coming to!

Stressed!

2011-11-19T17:51:00.001Z

Super super super mega hyper stressed. I feel like I'm failing everything at school. Scratch that, I am failing everything. Sixth form is just crazy. Plus everything is so hard. Why do a levels have to be so strenuous? Why!
I think that I may be going through some sort of depression. Somebody in my family is seriously ill, like hepatic cancer ill. Things are a bit tense there as well. Friends... well I'm on good terms with them but I don't feel like I can talk to them about anything anymore :( it's all so superficial :/ I need someone to talk to so badly about things. I miss being younger when everything was rosier.

Everything is numb. I don't have feelings towards anything. No nervousness/ excitement/ annoyance... Just plain numbness :/

And that's it. Just needed to at least write about it.

JUST NEED SOMEBODY TO LISTEN AND HOLD ME WHILE I CRY :''''(

28.10

2011-10-28T17:06:00.001+01:00

Not having updated since god knows when, I just want my life quote permanently stuck here:

"you are only here for a limited time. So, don't waste it living someone else's life," Steve Jobbs

Stuck under a mountain of a level work...

Bye for now my lovelies xxxx

29.09 GG XOXO

2011-10-04T13:36:00.001+01:00

Oh my gosh. The sheer amount of work that I'm getting now is staggering. And this blog is becoming something of a morbid chronicle…

I recently watched Gossip Girl 5.01 (be jealous ;)) and the beautiful Chuck Bass says:
"If an opportunity comes my way, I take it."

To be quite honest with you, I preferred the promo line: "Yes the word."
And there is another scene that cracked me up:

Serena: You should write a book!
Chuck: People like me don't write books, we're written about.

Love for the awesome bass-ness.

Now, I present to you my gossip girl dilemma:

*WARNING SEASON 5 EP 1 SPOILERS!*

I am a chair fan. 100%. Chuck and Blair forever. I love their relationship, I love what they say… yet, somewhere along the picture Louis had to turn up and ruin the Gossip Girl mojo.

Maybe it was admittedly a little cute when the whole Cinderella moment happened, but he is just not Chuck! You cannot get a wonderful, enigmatic, amazing, complicated, funny, wholesome, fulfilling relationship out of 'Lair'… in fact, it doesn't even sound nice…

And Dan! Where oh where does the pauper fit into the picture? I like the fact that she and him and good friends… but even so, it's not the same as Chuck! In 4.22 nearing the end, during the whole Adele moment I honest to God thought that they would get back together and stuff Louis… but then Chuck had "to let go." And what true GG fan will not cry? I didn't even cry, I very nearly bawled! :'(

Alas, when season 5 started, I was sooo geared up to see what is in store for our favourite upper east siders…

Chuck! My darling. Aww. He is SO not over Blair, and likewise, Blair is SO not over Chuck and she is TOTALLY pregnant with Chucks baby! I'm sure of it! This may see a Chair reuinion somewhere in the future… But Bass is well and truly growing up. And becoming insightful… Gone is the playboy image from Season 1 & 2... Chuck is maturing. (and getting a hell more hotter may I just add!!!).

LIZ HURLEY <3!

Nate: Err, I'm Nate Archibald and you are…?
Diana: Done now.

Cougar cougar in the jungle ;).

Cannot wait for ep2! Need to see some chair scenes. The only one was when Chuck gets and invitation for Blair's wedding and he pockets in next to his heart <3. The gang are back in Manhattan, but Chuck already has some injuries, and he gets even more beaten up =O ("his injuries are borderline dangerous!")… Oh no!

Okay. This is more or less a ramble. And not a neat structure essay as it should be… Back to English coursework (love English so much!!!!!). I'm writing a short story… mini-novella ;)

Feeling a little better my lovelies,

Until next time ;)

XOXO

(you know you love me! Sorry, couldn't resist!!!)

...

2011-09-27T13:03:00.001+01:00

Whenever I promise to do something I don't do it. Well, I did but I didn't quite post.
I saw there for hours, doing my work, but I did get to write a post. The bad thing was I didn't post it (does that make sense) the computer wasn't letting me get to blogger… Basically.

Anyways, this is why I date my posts in the title, mainly for future reference and also to keep track of the days that I did write.

And below is what I wrote on the 20^th!

After practically an entire summer without blogging, I realised how much I missed it. And I also realised that without writing, I am literally one half of a person. I know it sounds really clichéd and even a little cheesy, but writing does make me feel whole. When things happen and I have nobody to turn to, I just type my heart out and it's a little like crying my eyes out… After furiously banging my fingers on the keyboard, venting out every miniscule insignificant important detail, I feel a little better.

Who knew, that just hours after typing up yesterdays (19.09) post, I would be crying myself to sleep… My pillowcase damped with sporadic tears, my body shaking with silent sobs. I vowed never to let them hurt me again. But I made it through. As he was yelling in my face, spitting the words, I didn't feel anything. Yet, when I was alone, the emotions flooded back and tears spilled down my face until there were so many I could barely see. Blinding me with hurt.

I don't understand why he called me a liar; a messed up shame-faced idiot. Words were like whiplash, but this time, I didn't register any offence. Almost as if I was numb to the pain. Not fully, but almost. It takes time to reflect, and with time comes the sting… the lasting sting…

I have fully felt like purging for the last couple of days. It has been a fighting battle to keep everything in, especially after going onto the weighing scales. But nonetheless, I didn't. I heaved over and wished for everything to be out, yearning for the control, but to no avail.

Things are just worse, and I know that I'm lying to myself by saying that if I purge everything will get better because I know that they won't. They will spiral out of control. And I lie through my teeth and tell the world that I'm okay when I'm crumbling on the inside.

Once again, I feel forlorn. And completely snowed under; not being able to cope. Everywhere I am, I can only see the negativity to come.

Home should not really be called that if it is a place to mope and be tense after 20:00 … whenever I go to the bathroom, I cannot help but feel the urgent need to let it all out. To purge and cry like the terrible old times. Even in the midst of confusion, there was a tiny elation.

School is terribly overwhelming. Pressure from left right and centre. Slow cooking until you dry up or a pressure cooker until you burn….

What will the future hold… Please let it be bright…

18.09

2011-09-19T16:46:00.001+01:00

"Awake again, with demons of my own."

Words taken 'The Kite Runner' (my new all-time favourite book)… I have reflected upon the seemingly fitting phrase countless times over the last few months. Ironically, it could not sum up my life better. (at the moment).

I have not posted in a WHILE! And in internet terms, this is actually a LOOOOOONG time. My absence from the blogosphere is not even coherent. There really is no logical explanation, except for the fact that I simply have been lazy… But I have written (drafted) many posts that reading back are just a jumble of words… However, I guess that sums up my summer pretty well.

Depression.

It's a hateful word. And one that we as a society tend to detest… There are many negative connotations surrounding the word depression, yet it is an illness that affects practically everyone at some point in their life.

Previously I have mentioned that I have read this blog through from the beginning before, and I could literally see (well, read) my slow crawl into depression.

No, it's not clinically diagnosed, but sadness that prolongs for more than a year is a little more than winter blues. I haven't told anybody about it. In fact, I think this may be why it's more severe now than ever before because I need to keep a happy, optimistic face for the rest of the world. But when I am alone… I am "awake again, with demons of my own."

There is nobody to talk to. Plenty of friends. Plenty of family. Plenty of people that care. Still, I feel alone.

Deep inside my darkened heart, I cry for help. I cry out in pain. I cry out to be heard. But in the haunted recesses, nobody can hear my silent scream. My lips are sealed, pressed into a fake genuine smile. But my eyes, my soul, it is craving to be heard. Yet nobody will listen… I plead in the shadows when I'm alone, begging for the living nightmare to end. Nothing happens.

Darkness surrounds me. There are gleaming seconds of light, but when does the light last? Darkness is forever…

As I type these words, the midday sun is pouring through my bedroom window. But I, tucked away into the corner of my desk, staring at the laptop screen, mind buried in thoughts, I am where the sunlight doesn't touch me. Almost as thought I deflect the happy rays.

My insides are shrivelled and starved. The outside is slowly shrinking in response. They crudely match. And I, in turn smirk a little, in twisted satisfaction; yearning to be in control of myself if I can't rein fate.

This is the secret side to me that nobody sees - The side that I cannot let them see.

I can feel my heart bleed. The blood dripping out, day by day, I become weaker. Thought of love, happiness, success slowly drained out until just the beat of pure survival is left.

Everything changed, yet everything stays the same. Some things will always stay the same. I don't know what I should do about him. Whenever I say something, I get criticised for showing a lack of respect. Therefore I don't speak to him, properly. Only the little mindless formal talk. We don't have what supernanny (!) would call a 'healthy relationship.' But it's all cool, I prefer it this way. I hide. Away from it all… All summer, I was meaning to do something constructive. No avail. The summer was, in fact, long, painful, scared, lazy, weird… I was a prisoner and when I was let out, I had nowhere to go.

In the coming months, I am to decide my university courses in preparation for UCAS etc. next year… The only problem is I have NO IDEA what to take. Family wise, there is loads of pressure for me to do medicine, yet somehow I don't quite want to. I want to write. I need to write. Give me a laptop with a word document open and you won't be able to prise me off of it. Writing is my way of venting, of expressing myself. I absolutely love it. If I could choose between writing and talking I would choose writing hands down. Yes it would be ultimately frustrating if I couldn't talk to anybody/ yell/ scream (!). But writing has, and always will remain to be my savoir.

In a way, I am grateful for the start of school (wait, its sixth form now) to provide a means of distraction. I can now focus on studying instead of having a non-focus. In a lot of ways, it is good. But I cannot help but feel disdain at the fact that there is so much pressure left, right and centre. And the last time I felt pressure like this, I combusted.

Sincerely, I hope that whatever my fate holds, it will prove to be satisfying and worthy. Right now, I don't have any idea to what will happen this time next year. Where I will be applying and whether I get to escape the suffocation even for a few years…

Xxxx

P.s…Post-post thoughts: It's dark and raw; It's not even a style of writing. I was barely thinking when I wrote this, it was as if my fingers had minds of their own. Anyways (I know I always say this but I mean it this time) I'm back ;). This year I get plenty of 'frees' during school time, so I can take a laptop out of the library and type my heart out practically every day, which is a real blessing. Especially this year when I know in a couple of weeks time it will get pretty hard. The only saving grace I have through blogging is that this is practically English homework (taking English language was the best decision I ever made in my life <3) because we have to buy a scrapbook and we are supposed to write things in them everyday… I guess this is my second scrapbook. In any case, blogging is practically proven to help English skills. I got an A* in my English GCSE when I was predicted a B/C. So blog people J it really does help!

PPS. Yes these PS's are turning out to be mini posts of their own, but just wanted to see if anyone has watched Gossip Girl? Oh. My. Goshhhh. Why Blair, Why? :'(

PPPS. You know you love me ;) xoxo

For now my lovelies, it is goodbye. But I shall be updating pretty soon (i.e. tomorrow, Definitly Tuesday since I have 4 frees!)

Bisou bisou (k)

Xxxxx

Kindness

2011-08-24T14:32:00.001+01:00

Tariq Jahan (Father of a son murdered in the Bham Riots) Should Carry The Olympic Torch

Tariq Jahan with great strength managed to put on a brave face in order to address the nation with just one request - to put an end to all this chaos and violence. We the undersigned cannot but credit how he composed himself in a most calm and collected manner and we feel that he is inspiration to the whole country, a voice of reason and dignity in a time of total anarchy and selfishness, therefore truly embodying not only the Olympic spirit...but more importantly, the human spirit.

http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/9041

Always in my prayers..

Love and a prayer

2011-06-29T15:31:00.001+01:00

Please remember my grandmother in your prayers. She is going through a rough patch at the moment... xxx

;)

2011-06-28T18:29:00.003+01:00

I am happy. Hour long convo with best friend/ sister JS <3. xxxx

2011-06-28T15:54:00.002+01:00

It's hard to heal a broken heart. I see evidence of it everyday. I pray to find true love... <3 xxx

The seconds escape me

2011-06-27T17:45:00.001+01:00

So yeah, judging from the missing posts that I wrote in the last couple of months, I hope that the story of my life links together. Thanks for everyone who has helped me keep strong, and not completely break down.

I'll be updating a LOT now. I miss my blog ;')

Talk to you all soon xxxxxx

Missing posts

2011-06-27T17:43:00.003+01:00

I never thought that I would find my lifeline in praying. I knelt in prayer last night and truly begged, pleaded with God to sort it all out. Praying for me, is a bond with the Almighty, even though lately I find myself negleting them. Unfortunatly, I have been really lazy as of late and not finding constructive use of time at all. I have so much work to do, and so much exam prep, but there is no incentive to do well.

I don't know whether that is anything to do with my somewhat dismissive persona or if I'm simply just being indolent.

"We can't just sit by anymore, we can't take it. Because we are all fallen and don't even know. You gotta stand for something.... reason. "

"a shoulder for my shoulder wasn't meant for me."

"Gonna take this dime and make it something."

And there is NO TIME LEFT at all. Literally. My art exam is in a week and I haven't got a CLUE what I'm doing for it.
So now I need to come up some kind of motivation that can inspire me to go on and succeed in the next couple of weeks, because if I can't succeed now the rest of my life I am going to continue to fail.

I am going to prove my predicted grades wrong. I am worth something, and I need to do myself justice.
Althought my future goals are not completely clear at the moment, I need to do well so that I actually have an OPTION. Imagine if I do not get the A* in one subject, and so I have to limit what courses I want to apply for... and when I have a job, I'm going to be like... IF ONLY I DID BETTER IN MY GCSE'S!!!!
There is so much competition, I need to STAND OUT and DO WELL.
I already have 2 A*'s. Who is to say that I can't get at least another five?!
AND I NEED TO DO WELL.
SUCCESS IS MANDATORY.

I don't even know for sure what I want to do.
At the moment, it is surgery. I am so confused... but i want to keep my options open.

missing posts 17.05

2011-06-27T17:43:00.001+01:00

I don't know what to do anymore. I thought that I had grown up and found solace, but I was wrong.
Life seems so confusing, because although I know that God has is all planned out, I just can't seem to fell motivated to do anything.
When year 11 mocks weeks rolled by earlier this year, I was so determined to do well, to prove to myself that I can do this etc. But now... there is no sense of 'come on, I can't do this.' And exams are about less than five weeks away, and I can't seem to find any motivation in me to do anything.
Each day that I wake up, I don't want to be alive. For a moment, it's the whole dream-like feel, but then reality hits me like a slap in the face and I don't want to be in it anymore.
It's like I'm a different person. The real 'me' (if you will) has had the life sucked out of her, and now there is a temperamental shell walking around. Because that is the best way to describe me right now, a shell. I feel so hollow, so empty, fragile, broken.
Every time that pressure emerges on the outside, whether that be in the form of having too much work, someone yelling (even at someone else), anger... it causes a crack which eventually breaks the entire frame.
I don't have anyone that I could possibly talk to, and I think that I am depressed to a point which may be quite severe. It's not quite the self-harming sort of angry depressed as last time... this time, it's a numbness. I can't talk to friends because I don't have any, and I can't talk to family because I don't want to burden them.
...Xo

missing links 19.05

2011-06-27T17:42:00.001+01:00

I just slashed myself. with anything sharp that was within my reach. I didn't even look to see, I just grabbed it and let my emotions take over.

Outside of this blog, there is a wall around me. A wall that nobody can tear down, because I am in control. Bricks that are too sturdy to break down. Cement that will infinitly hold. And no force can break this wall, because hiding in it is a power that is to be reckoned with.

Tears cannot escape this wall. They must remain and become a well.

Pain cannot leave as there is no means of exit.

Nothing can depart because it all stays.

A shell. An oyster, hiding a pearl from it's predators. Because once that pearl is gone, there will be nothing left. Nothing worth it.

I'm not going to cry anymore. I'm not going to be vulnerable. Because it's weakness. And I can be strong. I can do this. Because I need the stregnth to battle through with this every day.

Each day that I wake up, it's always the same reality.

This time, I didn't slice myself open, I barely etched. Even so, the red marks are there. But this time, I didn't feel anything. Not relief. Not happiness. Not even pain.
Which just proves exactly how numb I've become.

When everything goes, that's all I feel.

The emptiness.

Freedom...

2011-06-27T17:09:00.001+01:00

It feels so weird not to be stuck in a rut. In fact, it is almost liberating, because I CAN TASTE FREEDOM.
Literally. Write now, it's a tub full of iced goodness and it's my best friend! I've moved on from Ben&Jerry's, I'm sorry boys, the relationship didn't work out for me. And now, it's all about Hagen Daz. Watch in a few years I'm going to be doing my weekly shopping in Harrods and then be like a trillion pounds in debt because of the stupid university fees… Let's just be like Kate Middleton and wear the same thing TWICE. Ouch. How can a princess not afford to wear Christian Louboutins every day?! How?! Okay, my designer infatuation has got to stop. Even in my dreams I was wearing a Chanel dress and bought a Gucci purse with my Alexander McQueen gloved hands, Jimmy Choo's and my magic card tucked away safely in a Louis Vuitton handbag… Great dreams….
Not having blogged since God know when, it's sort of refreshing. And after spending hours relishing my previous blog posts while sitting outside on a bench in the middle of a shopping centre with a polystyrene cup of hot chocolate, I feel quite emotional now.
Growing up – Had to happen some time right? Not to sound too clichéd but there have been many ups and downs, but the time just flies right by….
I remember the first day at primary school, eight years flash by, and the first day at secondary school, and now that life is over too. Sixteen years come and go so fast.
As I write these words I can't help but feel a tingle of nostalgia. It was approximately a year ago I wrote the exact same thing, about having grown up after spending time away from how etc etc. I guess this is how life is always going to be- a learning experience.
Now if I take you back a couple of weeks, lots has happened but it's not lots at the same time (if that makes any sense?). Not blogging does make it seem as though the past couple of months have merged into an insignificant blur. There was a LOT of stress, and revision, and panic-attacks, and shopping, and friendship issues… But even so, I have survived!
I have survived five years at High School – a girls High School at that, which is about a million times worse if you take it into perspective. A feat worth celebrating, non?
So many many many many days have passed, so I think that I owe the blog, if not the followers a massive post.
Truth be told, the reason for my absence has mainly been an overload of everything and bad timekeeping. You know what I mean. Like you wake up and the next thing you know, the whole day has just gone by…
I have sorely missed the 'release' that I normally get from blogging, because I just haven't had the time to do anything. And then when I do have the time, there's some tidying/ cooking/ shopping to do… I never really get round to writing up anything substantial, even if it is about my day etc.
See, so much time has passed I barely know what to write about anymore!

But basically, I just wanted to let the blogosphere (did you know that that is an actual word!) know that I am back, and hopefully a little better than what you may have previously seen of me.
Unfortunately, I did relapse but not for entirely the same reasons as last time, and it has been a constant struggle, but a battle that I will fight till the very end. Nobody ever tells you how easy it is to relapse, but recovering all over again is a bit harder. It's more of a strain because you are essentially doing more damage to something that is already a bit battered.
So things are looking up. Even the sun. As I write this, the time is 3:09AM. So much for teenager partying all night, I think I could blog all night. My eyes are drooping with tiredness. I'm off to my dream world my lovelies. No doubt I will be sashaying around the world in my Louboutins with a fabulous YvesSaintLaurent dress and some Prada sunglasses… Although if I were to make my dream a reality, I would be going around the world with my best friend and just experiencing la entire monde! Bonsoir chicas xxx

:'/

2011-04-30T12:47:00.001+01:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzufpUiqzvw

Wow

2011-03-30T18:17:00.001+01:00

Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional.

Feliz cumpleaños de Yo. Xxx

Thoughts

2011-03-19T15:23:00.001Z

The numbness I feel inside of me won't go away
It feels as though I can't breathe
Incomplete.
Unhappy.
Ice.
Frozen.
Cold hearted.

Alone.

Pain

2011-03-10T22:12:00.001Z

I want it to come out
But it won't.
Just waiting inside of me.
I need it to come out.
But it won't.
Just eroding inside of me.
I am struggling to get it out
But it won't
Just eating away at me

Black. Hole.
Bitter taste.

Choking back on tears in haste.

Why me, is all I want to know.
But I suppose we all reap what we sow.

I am forcing to get it out
But it won't
It won't give in to the past

I want to rip it up.
Just an insignificant letter.
Just an insignificant symbol.
Stuff all this.

The world is a web of tangled lies anyhow.

Sweet little thought

2011-03-09T22:08:00.001Z

Having spend every night in your arms for the past year
I tossed and turned, almost in fear.
The longing I have for you is greater than ever
Another reason why separation must be never.
Our bond is deeper than words can explain
Incomprehensible in a world of material gain.
I close my eyes and see your face
And hope to see you soon by Gods loving grace...

Summary

2011-03-02T16:33:00.001Z

Can 11tay not go one day without an argument and Hair pulling,
fighting , screaming. There needs to be at least one place where the
is peace.
If that's possible.
Over a boy as well. Gosh. They really need to learn anger management
like... Someone else that I happen to be aquatinted to...

So inexplicably tired... Of everything

2011-03-02T16:29:00.000Z

I'm forgiving but not forgetting
You.
How can I forget all the hurt you have caused
Me to
Feel
And all the hate that you build up.
Fir goodness sake it's in the past.
Let it be,
Life's a blast.
Now you start shouting, rage and anger
Not much of a surprise that he's got your temper
Genetics are not a problem to see
Because so clearly
There is a scarce problem of silence
And that small chance
That the curtain will lift
Unvoid of emotion
Saying "it will be okay hun"
But my dreams just don't come true
In the ways that I want them too
So in the meantime
I try to suppress through rhyme
And fight my fears
With my tears.

Bleugghhh

2011-03-01T17:19:00.001Z

Trust me, school is a complete waste!
It's like, work work work work work.
I had squash first thing this morning as well, mann it's like
excercise is dangerous, I swear down I almost tripped over!
Anyways,
ITS MARCH!!!
Woooo hoo

As if it's been a whole year since my last post. Tear. Happy tears of course.
So repping it in year eleven,
Like six more weeks left of school yesssss.

I'm downloading all these revision apps. Great stuff. Of mice and men
for the win. Hate that book so much. Grrr.

Reading twilight again! The more I read it, the more I think love is
an illusion... Except, it isn't?

Okay, I am officially rambling.
Got to learn my French speaking for tomorrow! Eeek.

Have a little...

2011-02-28T12:42:00.001Z

Patience is a virtue. People should remember that more often instead
of lashing out in anger.
Fear is a powerful thing. Sometimes it is forgotten that it is
powerful in the wrong sense.
Philosophically only love and fear exist.
Love. Fear.
It makes sense. You're either one or. The other.
But I'm going to say something.
Well not to you directly, more to myself.
I'm done with hatred.
Hatred is a fickle emotion,
So is anger.
And I'm going to try and forgive you.
For now.
But for the moment
I'm still in fear
Not anywhere near love
Yet....

Block

2011-02-23T14:12:00.001Z

Mirror mirror opposite me,
You complete me, so thoroughly
There cane a point when I was
Through with hatred and lies
Facades and hideous disguises
I look back with unenvious eyes
Because
I didn't realise
That you could empathise with me
Felt as though I was so alone
I was so cold,
My heart a stone
But then you came along
And made me feel as though I belong
We talked and talked
And talked some more
A mutual understanding had been formed
And that was a day I'll never forget
When I found home in you
I was almost through
With everything
In life I had made too many mistakes
I wanted them erased
In order to be saved
You told me to plead to my Lord
And to Him I should repent
I did and a blessing He sent
All my sorrows all my pain
Lifted
Like a burden vanished
Like when I told you everything
Like when you smile at me
Like when you hold my hand
And
I
Never
Want
To
Be
Separated
From you.
When I felt near an end
You made me see life
When I was surround by darkness
You made me see light
When my heart was frozen
You made me know that love is there
Trust me, I want to spend my life with you
Because the alternative
Will break my heart in two
Call me selfish or whatever
But I love you
You're mine
And I'm going to cherish you forever.

...

2011-02-19T14:51:00.001Z

This is really hard to write because I have literally poured my heat
and soul into this blog.
I look back at what I've written and I hate it.
All the negativity, the anger, the hate, the self destruction. I just
thought I knew what was best, but the truth is I did t know anything.
And in some sense, all this struggle was a search for myself, to make
me a better stronger person. Because it's harder to stay strong than
to become weak and I took the hard but easy option of being weak.
How much I have changed. But it's all for the better. Because in the
long run, it's how we overcome adversity is what matters.
Xxxx

2011-02-03T18:26:00.000Z

Time for a fresh new start. I'm sure I havent blogged in at least
three months but that is because I've been using that time to do some
deep reflection.
I've made stupid decisions and lied so much. Now is the time to set
things straight.
Right now, I feel more like myself than I ever have; not a fake that
adjusts and behaves in new settings like a new person, no.
All you have to do is know the God is everywhere and He is watching you.
You know that programme where the parents spy on their teens, well
it's like that, except God is always watching you.
So now, wherever I am, whatever I'm about to do, I think and then make
the right choice.
I have changed so immensely since January 2011; I hope that is change
for the better and is sustainable until the rest of my life.

Talking of life; not much has changed. But I have found a new way to
cope without self mutilation. Looking back, it's stupid. But at the
time so real.

So this post is dedicated to the future.
It's looking bright :)

Xxxx

Sunday :'(

2010-12-08T16:30:00.001Z

Sunday 5^th December 2010

I can't stop crying.And it's all you're fault.

I thought that you were grown up, but I was wrong.
You're nothing like us. You don't know when to stop.
You carry on yelling after you told everyone to 'shut their mouths'
I don't think that you learn at all.
So many years it's been happening;
The only thing that'sis that I respond to fear.
Yes. Fear.From.You.
Anger is what overrules you. It's sickening to see that.
I just wish that you could show us love.
Show us the kind of person that you can become.
Not the person you are. Because none of us are happy with that.
You need to lay off him for now. He's just growing up. Something which you need to do.
I am so upset to see that. Really. I just can't stop crying.
You hurt me. Real deep.
Wounds heal. Scar don't.
And I'm scarred. For ever.
That's why I told her that I'm moving out when I'm eighteen.
For uni.And with my money.None of yours.
I want us to be a 'happy family'
But you've made that near impossible.
I can't stop crying.
I just can't stop.
Everything's worse now.

Emotional and verbally, that's how you've hurt me. I don't appreciate anything that you've called me. But I'm too coward to say that to your face.
I'm scared of you.
You hurt me and you
make me cry.
:'(

Well Hello There ;)

2010-12-04T12:35:00.001Z

Oh my gosh. I cannot believe that I haven't posted in this long.
It's kind of difficult for me to type at the moment because I've kind of fractured my ring finger on my left hand! And me being left handed, it hasn't left me in a very good position! What with it being mocks week and everything, I had to have a note haha. It was funny stuff ;).

Soooo. Not much has happened tbf.
It's hard trying to re-capture the last month and everything in a blur.

The last two weeks I've had mocks, which is a main reason for my long absence from the blogosphere ;). It's because I've just had blocks and blocks of revision to do. I've been going to sleep at 7 and waking up at 4 to revise, chuck a bit of school in, I haven't really had much time to blog-aaage!!

But anyways, I'M BAAAAACCCCKKK.

So.. I think that I've grown up a bit more, became a bit more confident, and have started lashing out at a LOT of people.. Something that I normally wouldn't have thought about but now it just makes life so much easier! I now, say it to their face.

So bleeeeuuuugggghhhhh to everything in the past.
New year soon, so new me.

I have everything planned meticulously from year 11, starting with 7 A*'s, so I cannot afford to have people get me down. It's great. :)

But today is SATURDAYYYY I watched an episode of… GILMORE GIRLS ;DAwww, it made me smile. And I realised that today was a day for WALLOWING.
Once every two or three months, a girl should stay in her pyjamas all day, watch a chick flick, eat a whole tub of ice cream and pizza and cry… although the latter is optional.

Yup yup. I haven't changed that much. Ice cream still is my main food group! Along with chocolate cupcakes, Starbucks and pasta salad ;).

Expect to hear MUCH more post soon. Sorry about the long absence.

Muchos love xxxxxxx

OhMyGod

2010-11-03T15:25:00.002Z

Has it really been that long since I last posted?
Will write a massive heart-wrenching essay soon.
Urgh. Revision.
Urgh Life.
Urgh.
xxxxxx

Love Hurts

2010-10-07T18:57:00.001+01:00

And it's the people who you share a special bond with, that it hurts the most. :'( x

XOXO ;)

2010-09-27T17:22:00.000+01:00

Ahhhh, It's back. Gossip Girl XOXO
I have rediscovered: (Jen, this picture is for you ;))

THE ONE AND ONLY CHUCK BASSSSS. In all his hotness. I love him. I swear. If only I lived in New York.. Oh and in a fiction world... Then I could have him all to myself mwhahahaha.
Ahhh.

Chuck Bass <3

xoxo

Blaaah

2010-09-25T18:05:00.001+01:00

Like I said in my last post, a LOT of things have happened in a week. First off, my friendship with S isn't even what you might call speaking terms. She full on ignores me now, like the cold-shoulder treatment and everything- the most confusing part of it all is that I don't understand what happened! Like, one second during the whole text-conversation, it was mutually agreed that we were to remain friends, but the minute it becomes a reality, that just doesn't happen. It's just so upsetting. Obviously, I knew that we couldn't go back to being joined at the hip, but this whole ignoring me thing has made me really upset. And I don't even get upset about people. She's not worth my tears. I need to get over it all soon, otherwise I'll spend the rest of my time wallowing over what should/could have been done instead of what it is now.

First off, school is a bitch. I hate it. I really do.
And Oh My Gosh. The people. I need to talk about the people. Okay, well since it's a girls High School and that, there is technically nobody to impress right... wrong...
There is an 'elite' group of girls who are the brains, not only are they the next Einstein, they look as if they belong in glossy magazines. They are so freaking perfect. Every single day I have class with these people, and every single day their hair and make-up looks like it is done by professionals, only, it's not. They wear the uniform so effortlessly it looks like fashion on them. That is how pretty they are. I swear, if we lived in London or something, they would be hunted down by the press everyday for resembling some celebrity. And it's not like they're stupid either. Like I said, they could be the next Einstein.

I thought that you were a fairy tale. I never quite knew until now how badly this was going to end. I just thought that I would never end up hurt and confused like how I am so badly in this very moment in time. I thought so many things up till now. And none of them quite came true in the way I wanted them to be. So you may say that I am quite arrogant, and self-conceited, and cocky, and that the world doesn't revolve around me. Err, the problem is not me it's you. I think I sound like some kind of lover right now. I'm not. I'm just telling you straight and forwith what the problem is because I am so full of contempt. I just wanted you to know that this decision right now will affect you in the future because to be quite honest with you. It's your loss. Not mine.
And I want to be honest. I really do. I just can never be. Call me a keyboard warrior if you will, but I just feel so... I don't know what the word is. Words can never justify quite how I feel. It's never one word that sums it all up, it's usually a sentence, or a (couple of) paragraph(s). I want the world to think that I have something to offer. Of course. I don't. I just want people to think that so that nothing can be justified in ways of speaking. I was perfection. You must know that about me. That I'm a perfectionist. I want everything to be so perfect. That one day I will evaporate because I'm not perfect. I don't know what a perfect person is. I see them all the time, on television, in magazines, on photoshoots- but they are not real people. They're all fake. They all have their own insecurities like I have mine. I just feel so empty. So so so so empty. Like an easter egg, one small thing and it all cracks up and breaks because it's hallow on the inside. That's exactly how I feel. Like there's no purpose because any second now I'm going to fall and the tiniest thing is going to make me crumble. I am afraid. Of everythin. I don't even know what sense this makes. This is what is called a ramble.
I want to cry. I want to curl up in bed in the comfiest clothes in the world, wallow up and cry everything out. Lord knows how I don't cry enough. I felt so bad that day when everyone was crying freely without being ashamed, I wasn't ashamed. I wanted to cry, hell I wanted to, I felt bad for not crying, but the tears wouldn't come. I just felt so empty, so numb, so emotionless, that another thing couldn't break me. The thing that actually annoyed me was that YOU MADE ME CRY, WASTE OF TEARS. NOT FRAKING WORTH IT. But I'm not sure if I care. If I didn't I would send that message. That horrible one.And so you are just a mind ninja. I so badly want you to do something big so that I can finally hate you and take a huge weight out of my life. Because I need to move on. I said that it would make it or break it. Looks like it broke it. I want to sleep but sleep with never come. I want to break free but peace will never come. Do you know what I really need?

To start my life again so that I will never be in this tangled mess that I created myself.

But I will never get that opportunity. And even if I do, I will probably end up being the same person I have come to hate. I hate myself as much as other people hate me. And that is saying something. Because I can't sleep so I spend all night just laying awake and thinking everything through. And when I do sleep, it's these weird dreams of people who I can never seem to escape.

xxxxxx

Grrrrr...

2010-09-18T14:28:00.001+01:00

Oh gosh. So much stuff has happened. And I haven't even got any time to blog about it!!!!!! xxx

When was the last time I blogged!!!

2010-09-11T13:04:00.001+01:00

Omg. Wow, I have missed blogging. I've just been sleeping weird hours lately and have never got the chance to blog!
So Year 11 is harddd, more work = less time blogging.
Will update later when possible... Right now, I don't feel like doing much :( xxx

I'm In Love...

2010-08-31T16:16:00.000+01:00

What I wouldn't give for these shoesss....♥

Internet Shopping...

2010-08-31T16:07:00.001+01:00

My new addiction..... I hate whoever introduced me to this... - in a good way :)
I've just spent 2 hours on Asos.com looking at bags and shoes... >.<

Summer Lovin' Ending

2010-08-30T17:27:00.000+01:00

Ahhh, I have missed my blog ;) It’s been too long!!!
Summer is coming to an end, and I haven’t done anything considered ‘summery’, so all in all, probably another fail.
The list that I made in July hasn’t had a single thing ticked off, and the least I could have done was go for a walk in the rain XD I even bought a new umberella-ella ;) since my old on is literally broken.
Holland (Rotterdam, not Amsterdam... As if I’d go to the motherland of porn on a family vacation..) was funnn, the ferry wasn’t though. I was seasick and passed out on the way back which wasn’t too great, it’s a relief when you start to sea land. I hated the feeling of being in the middle of nowhere surrounded by just the sea... Urgggghhh. I don’t like aeroplanes either!! I can’t travel anywhere! Hahaha. Talking about travelling is making me feel ill :(

It wasn’t even a ‘holiday’, more of a ‘break’. I can safely say, I am no longer afraid of the metro :D I took the metro to 4 different shopping malls in one day. Loving the transport system, although when walking I almost got ran over by a tram at least half a dozen times. It’s weird crossing the road because it’s not the English way, so you think that a car is going to come from the left, and then it’s clear, but then a car comes from the right and your like WOAAAHHH. Or even worse, if your me, you cross the road and a TRAM comes on the right.. Hahaha, I just never learn!

Family gatherings should be in the top ten awkward moments in life. Okay, so they are fun, but then after a while it’s like school and you end up wondering which group (or in my case, which room) to sit in because in the Kitchen the ‘moms’ and ‘older/ married kids’ are talking, then in the living room the ‘men’ are having some heated political discussion, in some other room my brother is taking apart the computer and has cluttered the whole room in RAM’s and disks and whatever, then you have the ‘reading’ room where you read (wow), and another room where tired people can sleep, and all that’s left is the shoe closet and the bathroom, so I wonder around on the balcony (because most people have flats so they don’t have gardens) and then I get told to come back inside (by my mother) because it’s getting cold... And this is with like 20 people in one apartment.... But my cousins are cool B-) when they’re not busy fussing over my sister as if she’s a baby or talking to my mom about things that she won’t discuss with me because I’m too young...
But it’s at family gatherings when I see for myself the ‘Circle of Life’. It’s depressing, I don’t want to end up like that! God help me if I do...

Aside from the family gathering, I did some big-time shopping with my cousins. I have 2 who are the same age as me, which for me is something like a miracle. Lovin’ it.

And of course, nothing is complete without being left home all alone waking up whenever you want and watching a girlie movie... Confessions of a Shopaholic (with Dutch subtitles ;))
“You. Speak. Prada?!” <- Fave line ever.

Sometimes I wish life was a movie.
“In the end we’d be laughing, watching the sunset fade to black, scroll the names, play the happy song” # tune ;)
Okayyy, Hannah Montana moment over. :P Disney Channel moments will never be over.

“Chad Dylan Cooper going to the ‘Oh No You Didn’t awards!” ;D Check it out ;) ;) ;) ;O

“MOM!!! Phineas and Ferb are making a title sequence!”

Yes, Disney Channel moments will continue forever... Plus with the Drake and Josh moments... ;D
“I’m having pancreas problems...”
“You don’t even know where the pancreas is!”
“It’s somewhere in the.. tummy.. area..”
<3

I should really stop quoting lines... Next thing you know I’ll be quoting Twilight...

“I kissed her. And then she punched me in the face”

“I punched a werewolf in the face.” “You bad ass!!”

“Bella, stop trying to take your clothes off.” (CRINGE and FAILLLL)

Hahah! Okay... I’m going to stop now!!

SCHOOL IS STARTING ON THURSDAY :(

Talking of... I got my RESULTS in the post :O :O :O :O :O :O :O :O

So I need to go shopping and buy some colouring pencils, the only thing I need to survive this stupid school year. Drawing is my escape :)

I woke up late today, so I cba to go anywhere. I’ll probably end up going to town on Friday or something especially to buy some colouring pencils. That kind of dedication is hard to find. I don’t like it when I have my first art class in September and all my colours are uses and bitten (wood tastes nice..!) and bent... Plus the new pencils out of the box always smell nice :)

I have decided that when I’m done with my art GCSE I’m going to auction off my artwork haha. It’ll probably only go up to £5, but still, it’s something! My mom wants to keep it. You know what mothers are like, she’s got like all of my paintings from nursery when it was just a blob of colour on each side, fold the paper and WOW it’s a butterfly :D.Orrr, put this piece of string in some paint and arrange it on the paper, press a sheet on top and WOWW it’s a squiggle ;D Ahhhh, good times.

Oh my gosh... I don’t even want to talk about school right now. Year 11... Enough said. STRESSSSS!!!
Buuuut, it’s the... LAST YEAR AT BITCHVILLE! Wooooooo! ;D xxxx

Follow

2010-08-20T22:19:00.002+01:00

Follow this blog: http://deliciouspieces.blogspot.com/
It's my friend Ryan's... He needs some moral followers :) x

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEMI

2010-08-20T14:06:00.002+01:00

Aww, she is officially 18 today. Have a good one :)

Holidays, Texts and Complicated Friendships

2010-08-20T13:58:00.002+01:00

Aw shucks. I’m going to leave the blogging world again. Well, it’s not like I’ve been blogging much lately anyways, but I’m going to Holland for a whole week with my whole family. Joy. Oh joy. Oh joy. Yes, don’t get me wrong I’m just leaping for joy here. Please. A whole ENTIRE WEEK! That’s 7 days, 168 hours, 10080 precious minutes, 604800 priceless seconds with each other. Oh dear. Bring. It. On. Let’s see what’s going to happen!!! For the most part, I am actually excited, but scared, nervous... It’s a whole mixture of emotions.... So yeah. I’m going abroad, and there will be internet connection, but I don’t really want my blog to be publicised within the family, so I’m going to lie low in a bit. I’ve promised two people that I will email, so you never know that I may blog.. but it will be pretty pretty pretty rare.

So. Summer lovin’ havin’ a blast. I DO NOT THINK SO.
WHY HAS NOTHING HAPPENED IN MY LIFE!
Grrr.. Okay, so I’m not just waiting for anything BIG to happen, but I want you know to get somewhere. 15 is the age when magic things happen, yet NOTHING has happened to me so far. My life since the age of 15 has been tragically depressing. If it wasn’t for amazing people and venting through blogging I don’t know the state that I would be in right now... mental and physical state.
And I haven’t been blogging much lately AT ALL. =O
Ohh, something happened.

I decided under the influence of painkillers (there are drugs after all) that I wanted to set things straight with one of my old best friends, S , I mean, I at least want to be on speaking terms with her. So the conversation went like this:

*The texts are word for word real. But as I’m typing this up on word, it’s become a bit more grammatical. But this is the exact wording. I haven’t added anything to make me look superior or S look inferior. My personal comments/ reactions are *() in brackets or * stars.

Me: Heyyy, can I talk to you seriously about something? It’s kind of been bugging me for a few months, but I didn’t really know what to say. Xxxx

S: Good morning! Whats up? XxX

Me: So tired today :/. It’s about us, we’re obviously not as close as we used to be, and I’m just wondering why that might be. And I know that I’ve had a few issues this year that you don’t know about that caused me to become antisocial and distant, is that what did it? Idk, but I want to sort this out together Xxxx

S: You know what. If we wanna sort this out then just forget everything and be the same from the beginning yes? There’s no point in discussing it because what’s done is done, if you see what I mean... XxX Ps nice to have to back girl, I have honestly missed you! Where you been!

Me: Sorry for not replying, haven’t checked my phone all day! What do you mean, I’ve been right here :P Xxxx

S: Lets just say it didn’t feel like you were here or I was. Just forget it. Im sooooo cold! Omg, summers going quick. Gosh, time is going too quick. OMG YR 11! OMG EXAM RESULTS! As you can see, I’m currently in stress mode, pms I’m guessing.... XD Ps What does xd in Disney xd stand for? Sorry for being random. XxX

Me: No, I understand what you mean. I think it was just school, it’s a stressful environment to grow up in. But I’ve forgotten about that atm including exams etc, and am now the most chilled out person ever. Urgh school, I really really really don’t want to go. I’m going to Holland for a week on Sunday via titanic ;)! And Disney XD, have no idea. Maybe it’s a smiley face... Google it :). I have a headache and iv used up all my codine haha xxxx

*And then we just go on for a bit like that, meaningless chatter.*

The next day, I meet up with Jas at the park and we talk for ever and ever. So I show her the texts and she gives me some words of wisdom. She said that it’s pisstake how S said to “forget everything”. So I take on board her advice, pluck up the courage and text S once again...

Me: Tbh, you can’t just ignore a whole year, too much happens and disregarding it like it doesn’t mean anything doesn’t help either because its ended up being a massive gap in our friendship. You can’t pretend that nothing happened, because it did. So why don’t we talk about it and then continue from there? Xxxx

S: Good morning! XxX *(Oh please. How can you NOT reply to something like that.... :/)

Me: Urgh, i think i ate too much! Can’t move :/! Did you get my text?? Xxxx

S: Yeah I did. Tbh I can’t pinpoint what happened, when and why. Plus its time for fresh starts so why not? XxX

Me: It’s just... Idk anymore. I need to think of a scenario! Complicated... But if you dig a hole, it’s only gonna get bigger. Xxxx

S: OOkaayy.. eerr keep talking. *(note no X’s)

Me: Tablets making me drowsy. But what I’m trying to say is that you can’t ignore or forget whatever’s happened or even start fresh before you talk things through Xxxx

S: Yoo imt skild like that lmao. Well what do you wanna discuss? Like I know what but what about it. *(note no X’s)

Me: Its too early in the morning to be having a heated discussion :/! I don’t even know what or why anything happened, so can you please explain? Xxxx

S: Firstly this aint heated lol. And secondly i just reckon its our timetabling cuz we hardly see each other part from lunch and all. You? XxX *(return of the X’s...!)

Me: *turns up the heat* now it’s heated :P. Like I’ve said, I’ve had some personal issues that really got me down etc. And with the lunch things, sometimes it felt that T was taking over like me as your friend.. Xxxx

S: Woah where did T come into this? Lmao. Tbh you were always the friend but it something didn’t spark, maybe your problems have me vibes aftall I is psychic lol. What else can I say? XxX

Me: Paranoia! I actually hate to say it but I think too many things became messed up at the same time and it affected me mentally. Gosh, that sounds so tragic. Xxxx

S: Can I ask what happened so bad at this age of 15? Lolz, you drama queen! XxX

Me: I know haha, a Shakespearian tragedy XD. You’re not gonna think anything of it but family issues generally, every negative thing and yeah. Its actually nothing. Xxxx

S: Oh ma days! It must be something if its ‘mentally’ disturbing you? Ps when you going Holland? Just thought we only have 2 weeks left of hols! *(note no X’s)

Me: Its one of those things when at the time you think its terrible, but looking back its not so bad. Plus I almost had an eating issue again, but it wasn’t too serious. Oh gosh. And I’m leaving really early on Sunday morning. Can’t wait XDDD urgh, school. Ew. Xxxx

.....

And that’s it. She didn’t reply to that message... I thought that maybe she had gone to sleep and would reply when she wakes up, but even still, no reply. Then two days later I text her asking if she’s got exam results, but she replies to THAT.

It just seems that since I always start the conversation, and since it ends when she doesn’t reply to me that it’s my fault. I’m the bad guy in this ‘friendship’. Hell, it took guts even admitting that I had problems, but she didn’t seem like she cared in real life at the time, or even now, when being told.
I just really have no idea what to do. I’ve asked for advice from Nish, and she said not to talk to her or start a conversation until she does. But I can’t NOT do that... Becuase it’s complicated. And upsetting for me...

And I’ve ran out of ICE CREAM =O (a crime or what!) So I can’t even Vanilla ice cream them away :’(

But look how stupid it is right. I bet you any money that S doesn’t know how upsetting it is for me. I was reading through our old chat logs and emails and I was full on tearing up.

The thing is. I’ve never had someone so close to me just fade away from my life. I’ve still got my old friends from primary school, and even though we don’t talk as much, we still keep in contact, and I know that I can talk to them about anything... and we meet up like once a year, if that haha.
My mothers always praised me on my ability to make friends with the right people. I remember induction day of secondary school and I made my first ‘high school’ friend with the girl sitting next to me in alphabetical order; that girl was Jas and she is the most amazing girl anyone could even know, I am so blessed to have someone like her in my life. I can’t ever imagine losing her. She is my best friend and my constant support of everything.
Me and S literally used to be like that. But now, I can imagine my life without her. But it’s hard to lose someone that you used to dearly love.

I am not a very outward emotional person. It takes a lot to make me crack. But losing people, being made feel venerable, mixed emotions, anger, hatred, loneliness, weight issues, being judged- makes me crumble on the inside.

And I guess that’s the hardest thing of all. Staying strong when inside, I’m broken.

This might be my last post in a while. I think it might even be my bloggiversary one of these days! MY BABY BLOG IS ONE YEAR OLD :D

I LOVE ANYONE WHO IS READING THIS <3
AND I LOVE MORE ANYONE WHO COMMENTS <3 <3 <3
Please leave a comment.. anything! Tell me what to do with S! It’s confusing me now, and it’s all my fault :’(

Love and peace to all
Xxxxx

Familia

2010-08-09T15:59:00.001+01:00

Yesterday was a very eventful day; there was a massive family gathering and now broken ties are mended.

One Tree Hill Quotes!! Hell, I've Missed These

2010-08-05T15:00:00.002+01:00

"Sometimes it's easier to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, unsatisfied or barely getting by but that feelings a lie and if you just hold on. Just find the courage to face it all another day, someone or something will find you and make it all ok because we all need a little help sometimes. Someone to help us hear their music in the world. To remind us it won't always be this way. That someone is out there and that some will find you." - Lucas Scott

New Blog Name

2010-08-05T14:44:00.002+01:00

Okayyy, so the blog name #4. I think that I’m going to stick with this one for the rest of my possible blogging career, as it reflects me quite well.

Let’s go through time for a second,
blog name #1 HoopyNotLoopy... Yeahhh, it works as a blog site name but not as in the blog title.
blog name #2 The Way It It =] ... Kind of depressing in a way as it seems stuck in a rut and not very open-minded, doesn’t reflect me at all.
blog name #3: Confessions of a Teenage Blogger; I really liked this name, but to be honest, there is something quite ‘Gossip Girl’ about the name, as in confessions, and I don’t exactly confess to a lot on here so it’s all good (: and also it got me thinking that I’m not necessarily going to be a teenager all my life no matter how much I would like it to be that way.

So this new name, hopefully I am going to keep.

Me, Myself & Time

Love it or hate it?
It’s from a Demi Lovato song, and it struck a chord (haha, see what I did there ;]) and as I said before, I think that it reflects me quite well. It doesn’t convey a mood or emotion, it’s just me, and time is the key to everything... so yeah.

Happy new blog name J

X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x-X-x

Eclipse!

2010-08-04T16:53:00.002+01:00

Just came back from Eclipse. It was okay, nothing spectacular.
I don't really remember much haha, try going to the cinemas with your best friend and you spend half the time thinking that the words are sexual innuendos or make giggly comments hahaha. Fun times XD

Anything & Everything

2010-07-30T15:12:00.002+01:00

I seem to be blogging less lately mainly because there is nothing to blog about.

This summer so far hasn’t been the ideal escape that I normally think of it to be like. Most of my friends aren’t really my friends anymore. Just complete two-faced bitches who don’t really care. Like after all that we’ve been through and however many secrets we’ve trusted each other with, you would really think that we’d still be the best of friends. Nope, she had to go and blab. Bitch...
But I still have two really really really close friends and one amazing friend who words don’t justify her enough and who I wouldn’t exchange for the world, she’s always been there for me and knows me inside out, better than myself even. It’s weird to think that I’ve only known her for a little over fours years, when the people who I’ve known for over ten years don’t really care that much anymore about me. Ever since we’ve gone our own separate ways, they don’t value friendship anymore and would rather get pissed and smoke crack than sit down in starbucks and chat. I guess I am to blame after all. I cut off my ties with a couple of people I had known for so many years, simply because they have got involved in a lifestyle that I do not want to be associated with.
The people who come and drag me out have gone on holiday; either that or they’ve disappeared off the face of the planet. In half term, I would often get someone knocking on my door and taking me out, even if it was to the local park and back. It was really sweet. Christmas holidays, it was me dragging people out to starbucks for a white hot chocolate or whatever. It’s fair to say that I’ve tried pretty much everything on the starbucks menu by now!!
Last summer was a waster because I spent it all on crutches, but in the holidays generally I always feel so eager to get up and get out. Nowadays, not so much...

So I’m feeling pretty sluggish these days. I don’t really find much purpose for me to wake up anymore. I love my sleep ;)
And when I wake up, I just have myself to keep me company. It’s a good thing I have the television otherwise I think I would have gone crazy by now.
I need to sort out my social life with people; I’m becoming a reject anyway. What I’ve really discovered after my four years at high school is that you don’t necessarily have to have the prettiest face to be popular. You just have to have a hell of a lot of confidence, contacts to a hell of a lot of boys, be very argumentative and defensive about yourself. Oh and have lots of drunk stories to tell is an added bonus.
For example, I had a very close friend up till last year. She used to be so insecure about herself and we used to talk and text for hours about nothing (the sign of a good friend right?) But then this year someone seems to have injected her with a confidence boost, and BAM, it produces little miss popular. All of a sudden she has the most popular girls in the class on her arms, is threatening others, having the cheek of mocking others and befriending those who she used to hate. I’m like, what is with this girl. She used to be so nice, now all of a sudden she’s this complete and utter bitch. Over the summer she had this transformation from best friend to two-face bitch. And it’s not like everyone else who publicly rejects their best friends, this has been an ongoing problem. This time last year we were the bestest friends you could ever be and now here I am thinking what a bitch (yes, I am perfectly aware that my vocabulary is not extending further). And it’s not like it was an overnight transformation; It’s been happening over time. I don’t feel comfortable talking to her about anything anymore, whereas normally she would have been the first person to go to if I had a problem.
Santa maria! (loll, I heard Ricky say this on Project Runway instead of OMG, and I thought it sounded mysterious.)
Let’s call her S.
I think that S has bought me down in a subconscious way this year. Like last year me and S were tight... And she sits next to me in registration (even if it is 15 mins). But on the last day of school, S went to sit next to B and I was like =O rudddeee! So I really don’t know what’s going to happen come Year 11. I think I’ll sit by myself. I’ll be a confident loner haha.
Jas is my best friend ever. She is more than a sister to me, but she has so many friends! She constantly tells me ‘this is why you’re my best friend’ but she has other people who will sit next to her... And I’m cool with that. I truly realise what an amazing person she is, and she’s a people person.
Why am I worrying about the FREAKING SEATING PLAN!!!!!
It’s still July!
Ha.
See what all of this has done to me.
When I have time to think about anything, I just ramble and ramble and get off track and upset and depressed. And then I go to the freezer to get out my tub of Ben&Jerry’s because it’s the only thing that can actually lift my mood.

Love for everyone who actually painstakingly read through this and listens to my problems. That’s my issue at home, nobody listens to me! Except my uncle, we have heated debates over controversial issues ;]

BBQ on Sunday! Can’t wait!

xxxxxxxxxx

Wordle ;)

2010-07-27T15:29:00.001+01:00

My Wordle :)

(click to see bigger picture!!!)

2010-07-24T15:18:00.000+01:00

I still wish on the stars as they fall from above.

Back to Basics

2010-07-24T14:58:00.000+01:00

After spending a considerable amount of time away from home for a 15 year old; i.e. away from my parents, friends, the city and practically everything else that I had become accustomed to, I think that I have finally grown up.
Over the past few years I’ve had my up’s and a hell of a lot of downs, but now I truly believe that things are going to get better.
Because you see, home and everything else that I had become accustomed to had got me feeling the way I was, and I couldn’t see any different. But being away from it all meant that I could escape and not worry about anything except myself, which is what is going to happen long term in a few years (not even a few, like 3!).
So I wasn’t exactly living in London to be quite honest with you, it was in a posh part of Essex which I was completely unfamiliar with. I missed the ease of walking out and knowing I was and where I was going. I missed my ‘walk’ down the hill, being able to grab a friend and hop on the next bus or train into town etc. But I guess in two weeks I couldn’t do much.

So work experience was pretty awesome, as in the actual work this time. In the mornings I sat in with the doctor (I was in a doctors surgery) and saw a lot of pretty horrific and interesting cases, I saw people wanting to have an abortion, antidepressants, sleeping tablets, creams, gels, more tablets, diabetes, cholesterol levels and god knows what else.
I don’t know what to write about it. It wasn’t ‘hugely’ life-changing and I don’t particularly want to become a GP, but maybe go into more of the ‘psychiatric’ side of things.... aaaaargggghhh too many decisions to make about the future. And it’s just the holidays (WOOOO) so I don’t want to talk about school.

AS IF IT’S BEEN A WHOLE FREAKING SCHOOL YEAR ALREADY!
Can you believe it?! It seems like just the other day that I was blogging about starting Year 10 and getting stressed about mocks, and GCSE’s and coursework and friendship issues and family issues.... well....
I SURVIVED :D
Barely, but still ;)
It seems short when you look back on it, but during the year I always think ‘WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG!!!’
I’m not even saying anything about next year. Every single time that I say that I will promise to work hard and make an effort and stay friends with everyone, and not bitch about people, and smile and be nice etc is a load of TRASSSHHHH because I always end up breaking all my promises one by one... or even worse, all in one.
Friendship issues have been a bit up and down this whole year. Like I had a supposedly ‘best friend’ for three years and this year our friendship has been tossed aside because of other people, and I have become even closer (if possible) to certain people like Jas and Nish... It’s weird in a way because I had always thought that I’d still be friends with the other person... people change over time.
I know that I’ve changed over time as well, but I didn’t change because I wanted to get popular (like she did), I changed because that way I was got me down.
And I suppose I deserve it being a huge bitch before, but that means that everyone is just two-faced.

I spent most of yesterday sitting in a crowd feeling alone. The people sitting either side of me didn’t talk and just ignored me. I literally feel like I don’t have any physical friends anymore. I used to have a friend who was with me all the time, but she’s changed and doesn’t talk to me much, so now it just feels so lonely.
D:

At least I have the six weeks to escape all the bitchiness and competitiveness about school and just chill. But then this person I know in year 11 told me to start revising now. Urgghhh, I just can’t be bothered anymore :(

Bluegh. This is getting so depressing. And it started off so good ;(
I guess I haven’t really grown up after all. It’s when I think, it all just goes wrong.

Hiiiii!

2010-07-17T09:27:00.000+01:00

After two weeks of being away from home I haven't missed ANYTHING or anyone.
That's quite surprising, and I found it more like a retreat. I could just be myself and independent and do whatever.
But alas, I am coming home tomorrow which means that I'll start blogging again.
:)

Apologies!

2010-07-05T20:04:00.001+01:00

Sorry I haven't bloggebd lately! It's been hard. Internets been down for the past couple of days and I'm in London right now for my work experience! It was my first day today and it's been really good :) Hope to come back to the blogging world in the next two weeks. Don't forget me haha xx

Hahaa or Mwhahahaha

2010-06-24T18:11:00.000+01:00

*I’m on the computer checking a few pages, and D is over cos we’re about to go to the park*
D: Can I change my Facebook status, I just thought of the best thing to write.
Me: What? That you need some mints cos your breathe reeks?
D: Excuuuuse me!
Me: You hear me the first time. Now why don’t you go and jump out of a window so I never have to see you again.
D: Woaaahhh, Min, all this hostility is turning me on! ;)
*SMACK*
D: Ouchh...

I am one of those people whose moods change extremely quickly, but mainly as you can see if I’m angry I’m also extremely aggressive. Few people actually know not to be offended when I’m in one of those moods and D is one of them. Like if I told anyone else to go and jump out of a window/ stop taking anti-depressants/ go and have a weight rebound/ go and make babies/ throw themselves in a fire etc, they would actually take it to heart or just think that I’m just a moody pms-ing cow 24/7, when actually the case is that I either want to be alone, or that I’m just being horrible to mask what I’m actually feeling.
Masking my emotions has become a somewhat skill of mine lately; seriously, when I’m irritated at the world for no reason whatsoever, I’ll pretend to be happy for the sake of people not finding out or when I’m in the most pissed off mood ever, I will not talk to anyone, and if I do I’ll just say something terrible to them. It’s just the way I am, because it’s how I’ve shaped myself to be like.

And I know that nobody will ever love me for who I am because they can’t love a lie.

I don’t think that I am truly ‘myself’ around anybody, because I have so many different personalities, and emotions that I mask out I’m not so sure anymore about which is the ‘real me’. I guess there are times that I wouldn’t trade with anything else in the whole world, but I just don’t know about anything anymore.

Blogging to be honest with you is probably where I can be my true self, because everyone who reads this doesn’t know who I am, so probably you’re not actually pre-judging me like everyone else. I can just be myself on here. Without worrying if so-and-so is going to read this and think :O or wtf or OMG! That is the case on FaceBook which is why I don’t exactly publisise that fact that I have an account. I just go on there to check out people who I haven’t seen in a long time, or to get some general gossip etc. Because I have about four friendship groups, one from school, one from people outside of school, one from family-friends, one from ‘just friends’ and I act differently around each of them, not to mention family. I am a COMPLETELY different person around my family.
That is why I don’t know who I am anymore. In different environments I am a different person. It’s like acting 24/7. Knowing the right thing to say. Having the right impression on my face. You know, knowing the cues and stage directions, the outfits without the glamour... Etc. Etc. Etc.
But through blogging I’m venting out my frustrations, posting memories, emotions, pictures... idk, I can totally be myself here.

I wouldn’t talk to my friends about ‘not believing in the future’ because friends just try and con you into believing other lies. I know that they do it for my benefit,
e.g.
Text conversations:
*Heyy babe, how are youuu? Just coming back from London, man had such a hectic weekend! X.x.x.

Me: Urrgh, I totally understand! Soo pissed off at my sister right now. The skinny bitch. Xx

*Don’t put yourself down all the time! You’re gorgeous and amazing just how you are, everyone can see that apart from you. X.x.x.

Me: Whatever. Ha, I went shopping on Saturday and I saw the same women who gave us attitude in PRIMARK! Hahaha fun times! Xx

See... Like, the way I feel I can’t be open and honest amongst people. Like if I say that I need to lose weight, people aren’t exactly going to say: “Aw man, from the stomach and hips a bit? I’ll work out with you ;)!” Naah, they’re going to be like: “OMG. YOU ARE FINE THE WAY YOU ARE. WE ALL LOVE YOU <3.”
And it’s not that they’re being horrible or untruthful.... I don’t even know anymore you know.

Just like that, I’m well messed up.

And I need something or someone that can fix me.

xXx

Another block...

2010-06-24T18:08:00.001+01:00

I’m a bitch with emerald eyes
in short, I am able to disguise
envy with smiles and lies.
‘I want that life’ my conscience will always think
to love and be loved is all I need
yet is getting that desire I won’t succeed
I want someone tall and good-looking,
someone there for me through thick and thin,
a Lucas Scott, a heart of gold
I’m just so sick of sticking to this mould.
I want the best for me
I want to be a different person
another life where I deserve the best
I’m just looking for Love right now,
Please try again later.
Love is not available right now,
please try again later.

__________________________________________

Every single word I wrote is true.
And yes, this was written when I was overwhelmed with jealousy,
yet for what it’s worth, I am genuinely happy that my friends have found love.

HOLAAAA :D

2010-06-22T17:48:00.000+01:00

Going to have my leavers injection (whatever that is?!!) in a few minutes... WAAAAHHHHH :'(

Hahaha. Jokes, I'll be in hysterics, but as long as the nurse is nice and doesn't give me any slack and gives me sweets and a plaster afterwards it's all good :)

Today was one of the good days; had a proper heart to heart with someone I haven't talked to in a while. Year 10 means a lot of people get drifted apart which is rather sad, but it was lovely to have someone that I could spill all to without caring about them judging me etc.

Sometimes you just need to blab about everything, it makes you feel better ;) xxx

For a minute, I had light up boobs ;)

2010-06-18T18:35:00.000+01:00

HAHAHA.
Oh gosh, it was so funny.
You know how you're not allowed to have your phone on in school but everybody does anyway?
Well, I was texting my awesome friend T who goes to another school, like blatantly phone out texting when all of a sudden the formroom door opens and in walks the dinner lady.
Normally, the thoughts that would be running through my head would be BUSTEDDDD
But thanks to my amazing reflexes I managed to kind of stuff the phone down my shirt in my bra.... But like only half my phone went in the bra, and the screen was sort of out. You can't tell, BUT the manufactures of my blouse are slightly perverted and make see-through blouses...
So heres what basically happened:
1) I receive a text message
2) My phone is on vibrate, so my bra starts vibrating which really is a weird sensation ;)
3) THE SCREEN FLASHES TO TELL ME I HAVE A TEXT
4) YOU CAN SEE THE SCREEN FLASHING THROUGH MY BLOUSE!
5) I HAVE LIGHT-UP BOOBS ;) ;) ;)

Ahhhh. The dinnerlady was looking the other way, so I kind of had to put my arm infront, and I pulled it off making it look like I was stretching or something hahaha.
A close call!
Light Up Boobs XDDD

Have a great weekend ;) xxxxx

MY BEAUTIFUL BLOGG!

2010-06-17T17:27:00.000+01:00

HOW I MISSED THOU!
Man, I have been studying my BITS off. Literally, I laugh at the most stupidest things in the world, it's not normal!!!!
I swear I can feel my brain being pulverized into mush right now from the amount of revision I have been doing...!

BUT

EXAMS ARE OVER!!! WOOOO

And after like almost a WEEK away from the internet world I have discovered:

1) That one of my friends has DUMPED her boyfriend and got ANOTHER one in the space of what, an hour? Facebook relationship statuses are smart like that
2) THAT I HAVE 48 MESSAGES IN MY GMAIL INBOX THAT ARE NOT SPAM AND I NEED TO ANSWER ALL OF THEM!
5) OMG
4) OMG OMG OMG OMG
5) DEMI LOVATO GOT RID OF HER BLACK HAIR AND ITS LIKE LIGHTER WITH HIGHLIGHTS!!!!
Demi Lovato Pictures

6) OMG OMG OMG, I'm still getting over that. I loved her black hair :( :( :( :( :( It made her different... ¬_¬
7) I am suffering from 'psychological aftereffects' (??????) according to my friend, the wannabe doctor... Ha. as if!
8) I have anger management problems in reply to my facebook status:
WTF DO I FEEL LIKE BURNING ALL MY BOOKS AND THEN ROASTING SOME MARSHMALLOWS ON THE SAME FIRE?! ARRRRRGH. EXAMINERS SHOULD BE SHOT. IF EVER I COME ACROSS ONE ON THE STREET.... YOU BETTER WATCH OUT. And no, I'm not angry. I'm just stressed. STOP STARING AT MY STATUS GOSH!
9) Yeahhh... LISTS <3
10) And too much capitalization

Yay...
Fun. so yeah. I have so much homework :( And then work experience for two weeks yay.
Might change my blog name to: Me, Myself &Time. What do you think??? xx

Let It Pour

2010-06-11T18:33:00.001+01:00

Sorry guys, internet has been down for a few days...
Wrote this up on WEDNESDAY!! So here goes;

Ahhhhh, it’s raining. I love the rain. I don’t know why, but I really do! At the moment I am sitting in my room, listening to the sound of the rain. It’s so soothing!
Earlier, I went for a walk with D and then it started raining, here’s how the conversation went:

D: CRAP! It’s gonna pour it down!
Me: Omg, I love the rain!
D: But you’re gonna get wet.
Me: So what?! You’re the one whose going to get wetter, because I have an umberella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh
D: You are so out of tune!
Me: But you love me anyway
D: *sticks tongue out*
Me: I NEED WINDSCREEN WIPERS ON MY GLASSES!
D: Hahahah! Go to specsavers, I’m sure they’ll welcome the idea.
Me: *Blows a raspberry at him*
D: Mature.
Me: I know I am ;) *Pulls out my umberella-ella ;)*
D: I hate you...
Me: You can come under my umberella ella?
D: Fine, but you’re short. I’m going to hold it.
Me: Have fun holding my pink umberella-ella
D: ella ella eh eh eh
Me: Now look whose the one out of tune...
D: So. Why do you like the rain?
Me: It clears my head. Plus, it’s so romantic *winks at D*
D: Clears your head? Makes you insane, that’s more like it!
Me: Hahahaha. Why don’t you like it?!
D: I get wet. And you know how much I hate swimming.
Me: I really don’t, but I shall agree with you anyway.
D: OMG. A BUS!!!!!
*We scream*
*btw, D screams pretty high-pitched for a guy and that!*
*The stupid bus drives actually SPLASHES us as he drives past.*
Me: Well, there’s my mascara gone.
D: You don’t even need all he friggin make up.
Me: You don’t even need all that friggin hair gel.
D: Fair do’s.
Me: You’re hairs not even sticking up now, cos it’s all drenched! HA HA!
D: Shut upppppp!
Me: My mom is gonna kill me for not wearing a coat! Probably thinks I’m gonna get pneumonia and what not...
D: Crap! I forgot you were only wearing your school shiz. Here *takes jacket/hoodie thing off, from under his leather jacket*
Me: NOOOOOooooo, I appreciate it and everything, but like... you’re gonna get cold!
D: You are forgetting that I go out in winter without a coat.
Me: It Doesn’t exactly rain in winter.
D: Just wear it, already.
Me: No. I am not going to let my pride and dignity fall!
*2 minutes later.*
D: How’s the pride and dignity?
Me: Warm and toasty ;)
D: That’s what friends are for.
Me: LOL! That is so romantic!
D: pfft, I already have a girlfriend. You’re just my postbox.
Me: How do I resemble something red and pillarbox-like?
D: Naaah, I mean I can tell you everything. Like I can post all my problem letters to you!
Me: That is the cheesiest thing I’ve ever heard. Here, take you’re jacket. Look, MY WARM AND DRY HOUSE MWAHAHAHAHHAHA. And you have another ten minutes of walking to do.
D: Daym, do you want your umbrella back?
Me: Keep it man! You’re gonna get drenched! Even though it is pink and flowery... Haha.
D: So, is this the part where we kiss in the rain?
Me: Jeez, how prima donna are you?! *hugging D*
D: *hugging back* Very. I’m a chick remember?
Me: *rolls eyes and walks to my door now. Blowing D a kiss when I turn around*
D: I guess that will do. See you soon then *waves*

And there you have it. A walk in the rain! With one of my best friends... even though he can be SO retarded... urgh! His girlfriend by the way is adorable, they are like perfect together.

Sooo, the exam today was terrible. It took me one whole hour to colour in one flower. And then I zoomed through and finished the flowers and the stems in another two hours. And then it took me about half an hour to finish the leaves, and then an hour and a half to do less than 1/8 of the background! Man, I’m still not finished! It’s so depressing, and I had five hours!
The thing that puts you down is when you look over at other peoples work and you’re jaw just drops because of how good they are!
Mehhh, but hopefully I have potential. I mean, I got yelled at for something I didn’t even do! How unfair is that... Apparently I didn’t have my coursework in my folders, and I got yelled at, but then she opened my drawer and everything was there. Take that Miss moody art teacher.

And this is like completely off the topic of art, but why the hell is everyone smoking lately!
It’s everywhere.
Me: Oh how was your weekend?
Person: Oh awesome, I got high on cigarettes and then I got pissed.
Me: funn...
It’s all everyone ever talks about. Like, it’s not even good for you it damages your lungs and all that shiz yet people still do it. I mean, okay, I understand that it has benefits and that socially but smoking is just so... argh, I’m being really hypocritical about this.

My arm hurts so much. I’ve written more in the past three days than I have in the past three months, it’s not even possible... and now I’m getting hand cramps from typing!
xxx

I SURVIVES

2010-06-08T18:56:00.002+01:00

MATHS, ICT, ENGLISH AND RS GCSE!
And the best thing was, I found it all quite easy!

All day art exam tomorrow! Yaayyyyyyyyy!!!!
I'm going Tesco now to stock up on sweeties ;) xxx

Wow, This is a first!

2010-06-05T14:07:00.000+01:00

I'm going to revise. For like the first time in my life I am not stressed about these exams!!
But I probably will be in a few hours...

Went to the beach yesterday and SLEPT for 4 hours!
Zzzzzzz
Who said I have sleeping issues ;)

2010-06-02T17:30:00.000+01:00

I build walls to see who cares enough to break them down.

Story of My Life

2010-06-02T15:41:00.000+01:00

*SPOILER WARNING :D*
*this is an extremely long and depressing post of stuff that I just want to get off my chest* *read at your own risk*

So here I am.... It seems that all I ever do in the holidays is just mooch around piling on weight. And I haven't even talked about my personal 'issues' with this problem as such in my blog as of yet, so I feel that i should kind of be myself and feel free to do whatever.
No, I don't want to rant about my problems in that much detail, but it does feel better... So here goes...
Yes, like most other teenage girls probably accross the world I'm not the only one having troubles with my weight. But the problem is not exactly mental. Someone inflicts it. And that someone had stopped after a few months after they started once they realised that the problem had become quite serious... But then that person has started again. Okay, so the things that the person is saying is not as bad as it was three years ago, but it still brings back mental images of what it implies.
That was not even detailed was it... Haha.
This whole weight issue has played a HUGE part in my teen years so far. Theres never been a single day when I haven't thought of it.
This one person has changed my life dramatically for the worse, and they don't even know it.
With the weight thing it all started three years ago, when that person started implying that I was fat and I needed to lose weight, I was 12... and then I just became so self-conscious that I wouldn't wear certain clothes, certain colours, I wouldn't talk to other people in case they thought that I was waving my 'flabby self' around, I had extremely low self-esteem and I thought that the only way to get out of that hell-hole was to not eat.
And so the circle of life started. I didn't eat, and then when I did it was the tiniest amount which made me feel guilty for even eating. This led to killer headaches, personality change- I became the moodiest person ever, I stopped believing in myself and only had about 2 friends who I think one only stayed with me because they were scared of my moody behaviour, the other because she had lost her friends and I was the only one left. In 'high-school' terms I was a 'weirdo', social outcast. I discovered that I like starving, it was a crude satisfaction because I knew that it was the way I would end up skinny if at all. But some weight wouldn't shift. Admittedly, looking at pictures from 'that time' I look terrible. Okay, so it's not as fat as those people you see with bulging flab, but it's sickening for me to look at myself. I think I'm fat right now, I need to lose weight from my face, stomach, thighs.. but we'll come to that in a bit.
Nearing my thirteenth birthday, I became (this is like the only word that sums it up, but I actually hate this word) bulimic. Nobody knows that still, and I think that was the best part. That is was so secretive. If you ask anyone from school or even at home, they never knew what was going on.. they would probably tell you 'she was going through a phase' they wouldn't know how serious it would soon become.
I stopped trying at everything school-related. I was once a 'high academic acheiver' but that all stopped too, I couldn't care less. I stopped caring about everything. In a strange way I kind of wanted to die, but then I couldn't care enough to try. I self-harmed because I hated myself so much, and I hated the way things had all turned out. I caused myself pain on the outside to relieve the pain that I pain that I was feeling on the inside.
It was all so messed up.
I just wanted it all to be okay, I wanted it all to go away..
I wanted to be younger, I wanted to be older.
So confused. So messed up. It was all my fault.
Everything is always my fault. But I'm too arrogant to take the blame myself.
I was depressed. But it wasn't diagnosed.
Because of the whole 'bulimia' thing, it was inevitable that I became ill. Fainting, blackouts, headaches, etc.
The doctors are so biased as well, they don't care about teenagers. All they ever say is:
"It's just an age thing. She's just going through a phase. She'll be fine."
They don't think that there would be a psychological problem behind it. They don't give a second thought. They probably just think that it's a worried mother not being able to cope with her teen.
Stupid system.

During the whole 'time' I kept a diary.
I found it the other day. And reading through it, it made me hate myself (if that was even possible) more. I was so stupid. I recorded practically every emotion, every comment that the person said, and with every comment I crumbled more and more.
Then one day, I just exploded.
I couldn't care about the whole not-eating thing. Sure I was a moody bitch, but everyone hated me, including myself, because of what I had become.
What I needed to do was change.
So, over the summer holidays I changed.
Time healed me.
My new years resolution for 2009 was simple; to not become that person I was the year before.
I was happy, more confident in myself, in others, a 'nice' person (if I do say so myself ;) haha) and I had a group of friends who actually - get this- 'liked' me.
But I never got my self-belief back. Sure I was more confident, but I didn't believe in myself. But I persevered.
Still the after effects of the whole 'anorexia/bulimia' phase were still to come. I ended up fainting unconcsious at school, and woke up in hospital =/ and then I broke my leg from just tripping because my body was still weak after what had happened the previous year.
And then this year started. I had a blog :) and it just makes things so much easier. I mean I HATE, and I have to repeat this again, HATE HATE HATE writing diaries. They are just so 'PETTY!'
I guess a blog is like a diary, but its not likely that someone in my family comes across this and finds out about EVERYTHING. Pahahahaha, AS IF!
Writing this blog has saved me. It gives me something to do for starters. Constructive use of time. And above all it has DEFINITLY helped with my english writing skills :D
But yeah. Year 10 has been pretty bad.
It started off quite good, I started off by having this 'image' that I wanted to have, that I was a nice person to everyone and nobody should have a reason to bitch about me because I wasn't going to bitch about them etc. All that crap. I even have a notebook and it says resolutions... I've broken them all one by one ;)
But yeah... that 'person' has just made things a hell of a lot worse.
For starters, they've made me go back to cutting, physical pain to overcome emotional pain. And now they've started again commenting on the whole weight thing.
But this time, I'm going to try to be strong.
I still hate the way I look. If someone tells me that I look pretty I go tell them to go look in a mirror. Someone once said to me: "You have such a slim figure, small waist, long legs. Perfect. And your sooo pretty." I held up my folder to hide my face. I can't take compliments. They mess with my mind too much. I become arrogant if I receive too many compliments. They're not good. Which is why I never put pictures of myself on this blog... I don't want people judging me by the way I look because that's all I ever get at school. You know the usual bitch type *looks you up and down* thing.
Sometimes, I have images of me being a skinny bitch wearing size 0 clothes, smoking, eating lettuce.. But that's not the future I want because I don't seem happy.
Happiness is key. And I need to find that key to unlock my own happiness.
Whatever the future holds, I am definitly in it.

2010-06-01T16:38:00.002+01:00

Blahhh

2010-05-29T17:00:00.000+01:00

I can honestly tell you from my heart that I don't want to see the future.
Because whatever will happen in it is fate, why tempt it?
I was talking to Jas the other day, and we got talking.
* I'm scared of commitment.
This might change in a few years time, who knows. Th thing is, I don't really want to get married.
I'm afraid that I will never be happy.
Well, I might be happy as in happy, but I won't be happy as in content.
I want to find someone myself who I know I love. And then when I do I will be content.
It's hard to put into words really.
And I'm scared.
Like all the time, I'm scared of everything.
I remember when I used to be so confident, and I never used to flinch away from anything but now I do..
It's just URGH at everything..
I want to be me. <3

Rah-Rah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ahh

2010-05-29T16:02:00.001+01:00

I made the best brunch everrrr. Sliced baguette pieces, lightly grilled with beans and cheese ;) the combination works every time.
Nobody is like talking to me on msn.. it's really aggravating. And yes, I guess I do have a kinda 'unpopular' status at the moments, since nobody really cares what I say, and my girlies have all gone abroad on holiday :( leaving me in the doom and gloom of England all by myself it's kinda depressing.
So heres how the MSN chats generally go (this one is copied and pasted straight from my messenger box;) )
Me: Heyy babe, how are youu? x
Person: Good thanks you?
Me: Same same.
Person: Started revising yet?
Me: Started RS and Science but not like anything else. I'm not really fussed tbh, except for maths because I'm gonna fail.. lol
Person: lmao.
*and then theres this really awkward silence... because the person knows that I never talk to them unless somethings up... or whatever.*
Person: I haven't talked to you online in ages.
Me: Yeah, I don't really come on anymore.
Person: Anyway, it's been great talking to you, but I've got to go now. Going to town with *state friends here*.
**But the most annoying thing is that they stay online for the next hour or so. Freaking liarssss. They could've at least ignored me. I'm used to being ignored, it's better than being lied to.**
Urrrgh. What am I supposed to do for the rest of the holidays?!
Yes, I could revise ¬_¬ but the internet is there for a reason!!!
I think I may be going mad.
I miss my girliesss :(
xxx

Every Girl Must Own...

2010-05-29T15:34:00.003+01:00

Since contemplating on a lot of things on the walk from school (my ipod ran out of battery, so I was just walking to silence on my own which I’ve never done before. Hey! There’s a first for everything) I have concluded on a few things that every girl needs have:(in no particular order by the way!):

1) A friend which is the source of all gossip:
I don’t care if you are a preacher, but everyone needs to know everything about everyone. It’s just the way things roll these days. The worst thing you can do is try and ask everyone yourself, you need to be ‘told’ some things ;)

2) A pair of tweezers.
I’m sorry, but dude you gotta pluck ‘em or live with them unruly suckers for the rest of your life. Or you can get them done, but that costs money. Why pay someone to cause you pain when you can do it yourself.

3) A male best friend...
Even though some can be complete BITCHES sometimes (yes, I am well aware that is female termionoly, but it’s apporopriate alright?) you need one to give you a more balance outlook on life and dilemas. Even though they can completely fail occasionally... (grr... ¬_¬)

4) A good mascara.
Those lazy days when you feel like you just wanna roll right back under the duvet, get out of bed, do the normal routine (i.e. shower and scrub your face) and then put on a few coats of mascara, it makes you feel so more awake and it makes me feel more confident. I don’t know what it is about having my lashed done up, but it makes me feel sooo much better.

5) A mousturiser.
Please for the love of God, if you do not own a mousturiser, go out and get one. This INSTANT! (I really like The Body Show Japanese Cherry Blossom Body Butter).

6) Cookery Skills.
Yes, you can put a meal in the microwave, big whoop. But there is just something about cooking a meal from scratch that makes you proud of your food, and yes, if you master this before you turn 18 you will become extremely popular at university (my cousin tells me all these things... And if your cleverly bussiness minded, you can also charge them a couple of pounds ;) )

7) SMILE :D
– the amount of sour-faced people who never smile look so unwelcoming. Just smile and make the world that littler bit better.

8) A pair of Jeans
- Oh gosh, that Miley Cyrus song ‘Old Blue Jeans’ is just going through my head.... It doesn’t matter if your jeans are from Primark or from Levi’s, a pair of good jeans that you look good in when all else fails is the key to confidence, especially when you are having ‘one of those days’ when nothing seems to work. (Btw, I think this is a Gok tip... ;) ) My ‘it’ jeans at the moment are some dark blue skinnies from New Look :D I don’t do jeggings, they just don’t work!

9) Someone who you can call (or text since this is the modern age) at all times of the day.
And then it is even more amazing if they REPLY at 3 or 4 o’clock in the morning XD I have three, I’m lucky. And NO, you can’t have my best friends, I love them too much <3

10) A bag for going out
That you just stuff and stuff everything too. I don’t even know half the stuff in my ‘town bag’ its like the freaking TARDIS in there!

11) Someone who is willing to drive you everywhere
My mother, bless her, takes me everywhere I need to go. Forget public transport, hello private transport ;). And then my friend has to get the bus and train everywhere... Ah well... But when it’s like 7, it’s scary out there!

12) CHOCOLATE
(A secret supply of chocolate) that you keep in your room for when you lock yourself up. I don’t think I would have made it through so may exams if it wasn’t for my secret stash ;)

13) An iPod Dock
Stick your iPod on and BLAST THE MUSIC! It charges your iPod too, GENIUS!

14) Unlimited Texts
I’ll admit, I’m still working on this one. But every girl needs all the texts in the world. How else are we supposed to keep up with all things new!

15) The ‘Walk’
Whenever I need to clear my head, I have a route. Its out my house, down the road, down the hill, around the park, to the shop for a lollipop (you can never grow old!) to the main road, round the block and back home again...
And then there’s the 3 mile walk from school whenever I feel up to it, but normally I get dropped off and then walk to Tesco and back with my amazing friend Jas which is about a mile... so yay!

16) SKY+
Or even Virgin Media will do... But you need a television that has the ability to RECORD! It changes your life, it really does! Britains Got Talent for example has about a million Ad Breaks, and then some really crap acts that you do not want to see, and then those ‘interviews’ before each act... So you can just FAST FORWARD IT ALL! Amazing. Invest in one.

I think that is about it. I don’t even know why I bothered to type all of this up!
Yay, it’s half-term. I get to REVISE for 7 mocks and 2 GCSE’s. The joy of everything, I’m looking forward to it SO MUCH! :D
*Do you really think I look forward to revision. I HATE IT! I’m a blogger, get me out of here!

**OMG BIG BROTHER IS COMING BACK! WHYYYYYYYY! IT WAS BETTER WHEN IT WAS GONE... >.<

Anywayyy, It’s about half three. I haven’t eaten a thing. I’m STARVING. Toodles xxx

2010-05-29T15:33:00.001+01:00

guilt, confusion, hurt and hate
who here decides my terrible fate
mysterious comfort I find within the lies
which I use to hide my hideous disguise
now all I use is a decorated make
to shield me, hide me from the lies that will not last
everyone around me begging me to let them in
I know they all care but I just can’t let them win
for this is an internal battle I must fight fight fight
if I lose I will jut hurtle towards the light
it is not a laughing matter I should have you know
for society just cannot reap what they must sow
everyone is so hushes up regarding this issue
I can’t find any help
that’s why I want to
trust you.

That there is a little block I wrote during English... We had to talk about whatever was bothering us in poetic terms. So I really cannot write poetry to save my life, but there you go. To be honest, I don’t really know what it’s about myself; I guess it’s based on the mixture of things that I’ve gone through in the past, and how that in turn affects me now. It’s raining, and I really want to go for a walk, but I’m too tired :((

♥

2010-05-29T15:30:00.000+01:00

He’s offering me a lie. Because he knows that I’m too fragile for the truth.
“I’m going to make it go away. I promise.”